Dear God,
I’m sorry. I cant even imagine what it has been like to sit on your heavenly throne above looking down on me the past couple of months. I cant imagine the immense love you feel towards me with your incomprehensible heart and how much my selfishness has hurt you. Because that is what I have been: selfish. I have put my will above yours so many times I don’t even want to begin to count. I have become reprobate, prideful, impatient, restless, stubborn, sarcastic, pessimistic, self-seeking, and bitter. I have traded in my beauty for ashes. I’ve ignored your voice. I’ve ignored the call. Every time I was brought to face myself I put the reality of my situation to the side in a refusal to face it. I’ve sinned. And I haven’t sinned. And in each of those, the sinning and not, periods of my life it has never been about you. I’ve said ‘no’ when I should have said ‘yes’. I have grieved your Holy Spirit and I am sorry. And I know repentance is not held solely in the apology but more so in the response. I don’t want this to be fleeting, for I have been that for long enough. For the past couple of months you have basically been yelling for me to wake up from my slumber, recognize my dream, embrace my calling, step out from those among me and be separate, boldly proclaim your name, utilize my giftings, and just be the disciple you have called from the beginning. You put the restlessness in my heart – that unsatisfactory feeling I have with life. School didn’t go as planned. Work isn’t going as planned. Fundraising has basically been dead. And instead of continuing on, I’ve stalemated; I’ve allowed myself to go numb, living a meaningless existence. I’ve become lazy. You tell us to do all things as if unto you and if my lack of enthusiasm is any reflection then my lack of effort is magnified. Where is the excellence? Where is the desire? Why is there apathy? Time and time again I can think to a time where I can say ‘here’; this is the point in my life that I can say I was 100% conscious. I was living. Not just spiritually, but emotionally, socially, and physically. You said ‘go’ and I went, you said ‘jump’ and I asked ‘how high’ and tried to beat it, taking it as a minimum instead of a limit. But now? I just don’t care. My disappointments have been giving a hold and that opened the door to the floodgates of shortcomings. I can look at a situation and see how far I have wandered and I care, but not enough to do anything about it. Or I make plans. I make plans of making plans. I talk about it. Because I can. Because I know what it is you are calling me to do but I don’t do it. I am so frustrated at myself! This is how I know you have to be hurting. Because I am hurting. When my emotions surface its all I can do but imagine throwing things – not in a fit of rage but in an effort to say LOOK! I’M DOING SOMETHING! ANYTHING! As if in that motion I am clearing the clutter off the shelf in my heart and finally taking a stand. I’ve taken the easy way out far too many times. And I’m sorry.
But I don’t just want to leave it at that because this is exactly what I have been doing. But my mind is made up. I’m done with the childish foolishness. I am more than this. You made me to be more than this. My identity has been stripped by my negligence and although my outward image has been tarnished my inner truth stands. I am yours. I am perfect. I am made whole. I am being perfected. I am being made whole. I will be made perfect. I will be made whole. Because before the world began – before my self-inflicted whirlwind – you spoke my name. But God I don’t want that name. You said you would call us by a new name. What is my new name, I need to know. Gone are the days of Saul – make me Paul! Love me like John and entrust me to the keys of your kingdom as Peter. Help me become that person that I always say I would like to be when I imagine myself and where I would like to be spiritually. Make my dreams a reality for all those dreams are for your glory. Break my pride! My foolish pride that has no ground to stand on! It has no place here! Break my slumber. Speak into these dry bones and proclaim life to form again! Break these strongholds that have been erected in my deviance. Rebuke the excuses and instead allow the truth to take root. For what kind of a Christian am I to go to church and not do wrong but in no way do right? I am a bench warmer! Without desire to even get in the game! No more. Because that is a punk, and that is not what you have created me to be. Forgive me, for I have made your words false in my life – I have lied on you. Make this my resolution: to live for you and you alone. I don’t want to struggle with doing what I know I shouldn’t and not doing what I know I should. Because I want to be so engulfed in you that I can’t even see the wayward option. When you look at me I want you to see you. It’s time to end the games and just do already.
I love you. I want to be in love with you. Sold out. On fire. Crazy. Breathe revival in my lungs and renew my mind. Soften my heart. Heal my hurt. Amen.
Your Own.
Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true
‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true
‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true
Here’s my life Lord,
Here’s my life Lord
Here’s my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You’re all I have, You’re everything
Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true
Here’s my life Lord,
Here’s my life Lord
Here’s my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
