Naked: “…3a: scantily supplied or furnished; 3b lacking embellishment : unadorned; 4: unarmed, defenseless; 5: lacking confirmation or support; 6: devoid of concealment or disguise…”
That definition about foreshadows this post for everyone. I have been meaning to write this blog for a while but have started and stopped so many times, which coincidentally will further prove my point later on. (Already I have been tempted to not finish because my fervor has lessened and I got distracted).
You see, lately I have noticed a theme in my life and I have been trying to ignore it but this elephant in the room makes it hard. Im just going to put it out there now in order to minimize the suspense, and the Bible does say that confession leads to healing (James 5:16) so I am hoping that this will be step one of the process.
My confession? I have an inability to follow through. I am a pro at coming up with plans, lists, schedules, promises, and the like but when it comes to bringing those to completion? Nothing. This is not to say I have a life full of failure as there are some obvious achievements that I can account for, but if I were to list the things I did not do I would be here for a while and you would eventually stop reading.
As I was trying to come up with the reasons why I am this way it came down to two things: laziness and a fear of failure, though honestly I think these things go hand-in-hand.
Its just that hard work is simply hard, hence the phrase. I was in the gym the other day on the weight machines and after a while it gets painful and my goal of doing the amount of reps I wanted became less important the harder it got. My goal is 30? I could just stop at 22 and be happy with what I did, right? Better than nothing, right? No, because nothing is more rewarding then pushing through the pain when you hit your target. But when I am in the moment its hard to convince myself its worth it and it is very easy to convince myself to quit.
This holds true in life as well; when you are pushing yourself to do things that are hard its easy to just want to quit. I feel like there was a time when I decided to go ahead and quit and since then I have been stuck in a slump.
When it comes to fear I cant tell you when that came in and set up camp. All I know is that I am always thinking of what others will think if I take the plunge and fail. Am I just making bold statements and displaying a faith that will just set me up for ridicule if it doesnt go through? And where did it stem from? A lack of faith in me? In people? Or worse of all, in God?
All I do know for sure is that this has caused a great stagnation in my life. Not only in my jobs, in my health, and in my walk, but also in this journey. From where I stand fundraising is a large mountain that I keep circling. At some angles it seems conquerable. At others, impossible. So what has this caused? Well initially I was fine. I announced my fundraising group, posted in several places and felt good about it. The result? $60. $10 from a friend of mine and $50 from myself. I then make t-shirts and have no one interested in them. Talk about a stalemate. And this is not to attack those who havent donated but its easy to feel defeated when your numbers are only 3 long and others are in the 4 digit mark. Not just that but the first deadline is 5 months away and I am no where close.
The result is me being in a place of struggling to move on. Im questioning the call. Is this what I am supposed to be doing or have I completely missed it? Because from the looks of it no one is agreeing that this is the right thing by the lack of support. I have been meaning to send out letters but havent even written them when I struggle to convince myself I am to go, let alone others. Its just frustrating. Especially when I planned to put so much of my own money towards the race and things keep coming that is keeping me from doing that.
I dont know friends. I just ask that you join with me in prayer to one, break free from both laziness and fear, to gain encouragement and confidence in my call, and for my fundraising process. It would be greatly appreciated.
