Here it is
The moment I have been neglecting;
The moment that made it all real.
Here, right now.
This trip, this blog,
these words, my thoughts,
me.
On display.
Reality. Commitment. That point of no return.
Now.
Selah.
Digress and continue.
I applied for the race in November. Got accepted in December. Yet somehow it wasn’t until now that I have publicized my intentions (for the most part). Why? Well honestly I had a line-up of reasons; excuses to be frank. I couldn’t tell anyone until I confirmed with God. I couldn’t tell my roommate until I confirmed with God. I couldn’t tell my my friends before I told my parents. I couldn’t tell the general populous until I knew for sure I was accepted. I couldn’t tell Facebook until I told my boss. And now I cant tell people because… because nothing; because there is nothing. And again I ask myself: why? All my previous reasons I could easily defend as necessary, be it wisdom, or respect for my authorities, or simply making sure that the voice in my head that was telling me to go was indeed the voice of God and not my constant wanderlust or need of escape.
So now that I feel secure in knowing that this is the plan, what is this resistance? On a good day I could proclaim from the rooftops that this is the next journey in my life and it was God alone who called me. You can hit me with any bout of negativity for this missions trip and I’d be ready and waiting with sharpened sword in reply. And then there are days when reality hits; the price tag, my car payment, loan repayment, a year of my life in foreign lands, etc.
But it’s not reality. In fact I believe in an alternate reality where supernatural healings can occur; where the blind can see, the deaf can hear, the dead to rise, and God can truly blow our minds. Surely something as small as money or discomfort is of no match to Him. So what is it? Fear. Even as I type this I shake my head in disgust at myself because I physically hate fear. The idea that something so trivial can handicap even the strongest of people baffles me. As ridiculous as an elephant being afraid of a mouse is, its still relevant. As a bystander watching a two ton creature shake in response to a two inch rodent is unfathomable until you are placed in a situation where the once small adversary now seems to exponentially grow before your eyes.
As I read the blogs of my teammates in their excitement I think to myself: why isn’t this me? Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY excited about this trip; beyond words at times. But this is a part of the early stages, I should be just as excited. And again, I am. And I could write a very convincing blog about how excited I am and how perfectly things are felling into place but in doing so I would be not only deceiving you, the reader, but also myself. Before being accepted to the race I was that bystander. I would hear stories and read blogs and would have all the faith in the world for those individuals, regardless of the situation. Even for myself I believed I would be accepted and then take on fundraising with full force. Throw any spiritual warfare at my that you want because I was ready. And now…at certain angles that mouse can pull of a very convincing wookiee.
So…why the World Race?
Let me start by admitting to you that I would have never seen myself going on a missions trip. If you would have asked me 3 years ago about going out of the country to serve I would’ve responded with a “that’s awesome, but not for me” …or at least some form of response around that idea. It just wasn’t a part of my “Christian” upbringing. I attended several churches while growing up and the only people I remember actually going on missions trips were both Pastors of their respective congregations and it was them speaking at week-long revivals. That’s it. In fact I never even gave it a second thought. Fast forward to college and all of a sudden at least 50% of our chapter of Cru (Campus Crusade) is going out to all kinds of different places. What?
As I heard more stories my perspective changed…slightly. All of a sudden there were endless opportunities to travel overseas. Oh and you got to share the gospel. Of course this got me excited; I’ve always wanted to travel. So I applied…to a week long missions trip…to show the Jesus Film…in London. Oh my were my intentions completely perverted; I was more focused on getting my tourism on then anything Jesus related. Sorry Jesus… If you assumed I didn’t go, you would be correct. But I believe God uses everything because my perspective had shifted from one concentrated on the United States to one that was global.
Within this time a couple of people I knew were discussing this thing called the World Race where you apparently went to 11 different countries in 11 months. I had major respect for them for wanting to embark on that journey but I myself was completely disengaged at this point. I mean, I couldn’t; I had a 5 year plan.
Or so I thought.
I graduated college in May of 2013 with a Bachelors in Social Work and a minor in Psychology. I was then going to go straight on to get my Masters in Social Work, work my two year trial period, become clinically licensed, and then get some awesome therapist job working with kids. Until I received my rejection letter from grad school claiming my almost 3.2 GPA was not high enough for their 3.0 standard… I was crushed. Now what? I had no plan B. That was it. So I did what any paranoid American would do – I got a job. And a pretty awesome one in the sense that I was fresh out of college. Life wasn’t so bad after all. I was able to finally get my own car. I lived in my own apartment with a very close friend of mine. And thanks to a second job that completely covered my rent, money was not an issue. Step one of the American Dream accomplished.
So why was I so restless and unhappy?
Easy; God was placed so far back on the stove He was barely receiving heat from the burner. Grant it, I would still go to my college ministry once a week and I like to listen to Christian music, but that was it. And I could go for a day or three without a second thought but then I would see my current state and come crashing down on the emptiness I felt. All the while I had this fire that had started while I was in college; this fire that would basically scream out for more; this burning desire to live, eat, and breathe the Acts church; to actually do these unfathomable “greater things” that were promised us if only we were willing and able to carry out the work. And although I tried to mute that scream to as small as a whisper as possible, I couldn’t ignore it, though I tried. And did. For a while.
Then I had random people be introduced in my life that had these insane stories. One of my coworkers that was only there for the first 3 weeks of my employment told me how God instructed her to drop life and backpack through the eastern part of the US. She told me story after story of how God blew her faith out of the water. Then I meet another coworker who is all about learning more, searching for more, doing more, and traveling while you have the chance, because once you get too tangled up in certain aspects of life, you are basically stuck.
Then one night I had this dream. I was sitting in an airport waiting to receive the “ok” to line up to board the plane. Then I hear “now boarding for Africa” be announced over the speaker. In that moment I turned my head to the left to see my current roommate sitting a few rows over. We gave each other that “here we go” look before standing. In the dream I knew I was on the race and that my roommate and I were on the same squad but on different teams. When I woke up I was immediately engulfed in what the dream meant. Maybe it was confirmation for her to go? Maybe I was just dreaming what was on my mind before I went to sleep? Maybe I ate something? I don’t know. But I did know that the only way I would even consider the race was if God confirmed it. A lot. And step one was to see if my roommate, who was not considering the race again at that moment, would pick the same route. The dream had to make sense. We would have to be drawn to the same route.
The next day I come home to my roommate looking at routes and saying how she was going to apply again. Umm.. Ok. We went over routes but I kept which one I was drawn to to myself. Besides, she loves Asia and there is an all Asian route. That solved that, right? Wrong. The next day she showed me that she chose September route 2 and all else is history.
There were several other mini-confirmations that I received but it all leads to me being here today. For those who know me, I always consider my life to be a giant detour; whenever I think one thing is going to happen God puts up his little detour sign that takes me in a whole other direction and although it seems insane at first, it always ends up making perfect sense.
I will never forget the words of my one coworker when I told her that I wanted to get to a point of that blind faith she had to just go and know beyond doubt that God had her. “Once you live that lifestyle its nearly impossible to come back from it. There isn’t a day that I don’t miss being in that place with Him.”
You know what? Good. I love my car, my apartment, my ease of lifestyle, and at the same time I hate it. Because even with that car payment and loan debt I am already becoming tangled in the facade of the “American Dream” which is probably more appropriately called the “American Debt.”
So ya know what?
Whether my faith sees the puny mouse scurrying around or that overbearing wookiee doing whatever wookiees do, I’m going to let it be. No longer will I be that bystander. I’m sure Peter knew in the back of his mind that trying to step out on water could lead to drowning but he took that step anyway. Although we know he eventually took the plunge we learned that as long as we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and walk in His direction, He’s got us. And even when we look away He’s got us. So what’s the point in even entertaining fear?
So sink or swim, I’m diving in
