Before you we get into this blog, a few things you should know!
1. Training camp ended two days ago. I wrote this blog almost two weeks ago, but was unable to get to the internet to post it. I’m posting it now because it’s a testament to God’s faithfulness. My prayer requests going into training camp listed below were all answered abundantly and then some!
2. Let’s play the where in the world have I been/ am I going? Sept 23: left Spain for Rome. 25: home in LA and San Clemente for a week. Oct 2nd: flew to Georgia. Oct 10: training camp extravaganza as squad leader began, with a full eight days spent readjusting to life in a pack and tent. Oct 23 (tomorrow): back to San Clem/ LA for major errands. Oct 26: to minnesota. Nov 8 back to So Cal… and then life continues to be no less busy, but that’s as far ahead as I can get for now. If you’re around the Twin Cities or SoCal area in those dates, and would like to meet up, please email me!
3. I’m back on the support raising train! Please shoot me an email if you’d like to know what this looks like for the next THREE YEARS or click “support me” to the left to help with the next leg of the journey! Thanks so much–none of this would be possible without y’all.
………………………
Have you noticed a pattern that whenever I finally post a
blog, somewhere in it I write, “tears were streaming down my face”?
Well, guess what? Tears are streaming down my face. And I
haven’t truly cried since I said goodbye to Spain a few weeks back. So, these
tears are probably long overdue. Only they’re not grieving tears. They’re tears
of a girl who knows she’s so ready for what’s ahead, and yet is still having a
minor freak out.
I start World Race training camp this weekend-except this
time, I’m not a first-time racer who is anxious about the mysteries and
adventures and new people ahead. I’m a squad leader, anxious about the weight
of responsibility of leading sixty world-changers through this next major
chapter in their life.
I have been thinking about squad leading for future squads
before I even left on my own race-it’s been on my radar for as long as AIM has
been a part of my life. Through the application and acceptance process, I have
had so much peace and excitement. I have known I am ready to carry this mantle,
ready for the responsibility, and not even worried about support-raising
(though with an empty support account, maybe I should be more concerned).
My time at G-42 leadership academy has solidified so many of
my own biblical questions, identity struggles, and performance issues. I have
seen people model a life after Christ worth following; I have lived under them
and watched my own character mold into an almost fearless woman full of deep
conviction about integrity and honor. And I have been beyond excited to just
get out and GIVE IT AWAY to people who have been seeking the same answers to questions
from the Lord about living a life far from ordinary for His glory.
But right now-these tears are the tears of a girl who is
feeling the weight of the position for the first time. On Saturday, I’m going
to stand in front of 60+ people-a good number of whom are older than me-and say
“Follow me as I follow Christ. Follow me because I am here to love you, to
fight for you, to walk life beside you, and my passion is to see you come alive
in your God-breathed identity.” That’s a bold statement: to tell someone else
to put their trust in your hands starting day one. I’m asking people to take a
giant step of faith to let me into their lives.
I’m crying because I just doubted that I really was the
person for the job-a person who could ask that of people confidently and know I had nothing to hide.
You see, I really like to “have it together”. I like to have
answers, and I like being organized, and I thrive under pressure-and I am a
master at doing it all myself. When
I live from that place, I make everything
look good-even my messiness is pretty. And no one wants to see that, or follow
someone like that because WE KNOW IT’S NOT REAL.
Today I sat down with
one of my original squad leaders who reminded me of a moment from my own
training camp two years ago that I had nearly forgotten. She was crying during
worship-the tears of not feeling ready or equipped-the tears I’m crying
tonight. And I (apparently) told her that her greatest strength as our leader
was going to come in her vulnerability, in not having it together, in being
real with us with her own struggles.
Two years later, she’s sitting across a chai tea as an
awesome friend and telling me the exact same thing. That I’m not leading
because I am “good” at hearing the Lord, I’m not a good
leader because I’m organized, (mostly) well-spoken, and can function on no
sleep.
No. I am going to be a good leader for N squad because I’m
real. Because I’m honest. And I’m raw. And because when I say I love being a
part of bringing people into life abundantly, I really mean it. Those moments
where you look at someone and watch a lie of insecurity turn into a revelation
of LOVE are the moments I live my life for.
So pray for me, for my two co-leaders Kelly and Joshua, and
for N squad as we all meet to get ready for what’s ahead. Pray!
–that we would be a hungry group-open to new experiences
right from the beginning. –that we would live to honor one another, and be a place
where change is welcomed!–that we would know above all that we are loved, and thus
have a precious love to give away.
— that finances would come in for all of us! That no one
would worry about being sent home from the race simply because of finances.–that we would be vulnerable from the start.
–that we would know who the Lord is! That He is fun and He
is funny and that while this trip is going to wreck and rock our lives, it’s
going to be fun and exciting too.
