“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the valley of Trouble a door of Hope.” Hosea 2:14-15.
It’s a beautiful passage, so romantic, so full of promise, one of those that gives you the warm fuzzies inside (especially if you’ve read everything that precedes and follows. This is the diamond in the rough)…until someone hands you the verse… and someone else hands you the same verse… and yet another person hands you the verse.
Then you begin to ask some questions.
1. Wilderness? Say what? Are we talking deserts? Am I getting stranded somewhere? Ominous.
2. Am I already in the Valley of Trouble? Or is that valley still ahead of me? Awesome.
3. How am I supposed to know the door of Hope? Is it going to have a shining star on it? Or some glitter and pizazz with an “Enter” sign on it?
And. The most confuddling of the questions.
4. What are these vineyards you’re giving me? I mean, I love (good) red wine. And on several occasions I have seriously thought about working at wineries and doing a wine world race (great idea). In the meantime, I have a feeling these are not literal vineyards that the Lord seems to be referring to.
So. Having had this written out for me once, texted and tracked down in an African mall the second time during a rushed goodbye (it was that pressing apparently), and during a skype date the third time–I realized that obviously there’s something the Lord is trying to do with me, say to me. (*1)
As the thinker that I am, I obviously had my ideas of how the answers to those questions were going to play out.
As the infinite and wise God that He is, He obviously is playing it out quite differently and successfully caught me off guard.
Last night I was talking to a dear friend about what this last month has looked like for me. I have been in LA–when everyone has been waiting my much-anticipated move to Georgia(keep reading). And when I say I have been in LA, I have been investing in some awesome people who have invested in me (*2). But that seems to really only be during meal times. Other than that, I have alternated sitting on a couch and sitting on a porch staring at the ocean. (*3). So here, I am talking to this friend, and in recounting this past month, I realize that I am living the verses.
I am in the midst of my wilderness.
Only it didn’t look like the wilderness I had imagined.
My wilderness:
–Has not been a physical wilderness in some unknown wild location.
–Has been an absence of people’s words in my life.
–Has been an absence of my own words over my life.
–Has been in a physically familiar place so that I wasn’t distractedly out exploring a new wilderness. The adventurer in me was at rest, so that I could be taken to a spiritual wilderness.
–Has even been void of the Lord’s voice, though I have known His presence so intensely simultaneously.
He, in His all-knowing way,has been silent so I could raise my own voice, cut my own paths…
and realize that…
I don’t actually know what I want.
In silencing Himself, I have come to know that all I want is what He wants for me.
And.
I want the vineyards that He wants to give me.
…
I don’t want everyone (whose intentions and motives are pure) else’s idea of “good” for me.
I want God’s heart for me.
But. In order to give back to Him what He has first given me, I have to claim it.
I have to claim WHAT I WANT before I can receive it.
And so in this wilderness, the Lord has spoken to me one thing. ONE. Very clearly.
(That’s a pretty AWESOME one thing to hear…if you know what you want)
… I have since made countless lists, crossed countless things out, circled, bolded, highlighted, erased.
The consistent thing that comes up is good: God’s best. I want God’s best.
Which brings us back to square one.
The options before me are all GOOD ones, and the Lord is GOOD to honor me in any choice I make.
So.
The Question Remains.
What do I want.
…
Welcome to the next few weeks and months and lifetime. (*4)
1. Dear Anonymous note-giver, Vanessa, and Metzger, in case you were wondering, you do hear from the Lord. And I’m starting to be a little less fussy at receiving this verse from you three.
2. I wrote a blog on this today too. I started a new journal today and that meant that my brain gushed a lot… which meant that I also successfully wrote about four blogs. We’ll see if they make it up here in due time.
3. Dear Jesus, thank you for such a beautifully tough wilderness.
4. I’m not about to go soul-searching and gallivanting until I find the truest depth of my heart. No. I am placing a time-frame on when I need to make a decision. Because the “wants” do change, and we can lose ourselves if all we do is search out what we think we want, and question ourselves. and on. and on. it goes. I’m probably closer than I think. And I have some random things that I keep coming back to… So. The vineyards may be coming my way soon… We shall see!
However it does play out, my new website is up and running, and I will be attending G-42 in the near future to answer that WANT question!
We’re still trying to figure out how to get a little email “subscribe” button. But if you have an online reader, then you can subscribe to the blog on my new page that way! Thanks to Kellen Gorbett, I now give you…
