The other night I felt a lot of emotions and pain stirring that I never thought would resurface. God pulled out of me all the shame I buried in my life, things I have never handed over to the Lord and given him control over.
Ever since my family fell apart almost four years ago, I lost many friends and the idea of what it means to have true family relationships. I have avoided true friendships ever since, running from vulnerability and deep community. After last night, I realized why I feel like I have a gap in my heart. I felt so ashamed of my past, the things I’ve done, and the things my family has done. I didn’t make any steps at the time to love them the way God loves them and have pushed away from digging deep with new potential friends. I hardened my heart, avoiding expressing my pain and struggles to people because I believed no one actually cared, and no one actually wanted to take time for me. And I definitely didn’t want to do it for others, because I knew that involved bringing to the surface the painful moments of my past and being vulnerable.
Hearing a teammate say, “Sometimes I can be in a room full of people and yet feel alone” hit me hard. It hit the wounds I kept covering up. I didn’t want my hurt to be revealed. I see myself as strong and not a “feely” person, someone who can handle everything that is thrown my way without a single bit of emotion. Let me tell you something, God revealed to me I was wrong, that I had buried my pain because I was too afraid of being weak, being emotional, letting the wall I built be broken down, laying it at the feet of Jesus and saying, “I can’t carry this shame anymore. I don’t want it, Lord.” He told me, “I removed that shame and sin off your shoulders when I took it to the cross and made you new. You don’t have to walk in shame, fear, and brokenness. I have restored you; walk in your new identity with my Spirit.”
I can’t even begin to describe how intensely my heart was pounding in my chest the other night as all 50 squad mates were getting up one by one and revealing their hidden shame. There was a beautiful feeling of freedom in the room. There is power in His Spirit and being vulnerable with our faith family. I’ve never stood in front of so many people by choice and shared the shame I was carrying. In that moment I realized the power of the Cross. Jesus set me free; I’m not defined by my past mistakes and sin. I was able to bring it to Jesus and confess it out loud to my faith family. My burden of shame was broken. God said, “Trust me, I know what I’m doing. Now stand in front of 50 people and share your shame and experience freedom in your soul.”
“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible. Therefore it says, “Awake O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Ephesians 5: 11-14
May the enemy never have a foothold in my life to convince me that my shame is not worth sharing or bringing into the light, because I realized very quickly…the Enemy is wrong, and he is the father of lies.
“and give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:27
This brings me back to a story in the Bible that was shared last night and for the first time I understood the significance and what God was revealing to me through the story. The story discussed was the one about the adulteress woman when she was fully exposed in her sin and was thrown before Jesus, she was in full weakness, she was vulnerable, she was ashamed, all her dignity was lost and yet Jesus released her, freed her of that bondage, loved and forgave her. That is Christ’s love where all glory is due. (John 8: 1-11)
God sought after me when I didn’t want him, when I was drowning in my sin of pride, lust, greed, jealously, fake identity, drunkenness, slander, bitterness, and idols. When I finally lost everything that meant so much to me three years ago, when I was face down broken and sobbing in my own destruction, God shifted my heart and lead me directly into his arms that is full of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, oneness, and ultimately being a daughter of the Most High.
I never in my life would have thought I would be sitting here today thinking through painful buried struggles and writing about all my weaknesses and shameful things that has drug me down. But Jesus is calling me to obedience and actually to share this because His plans are bigger than my own and he has an agenda and I know it’s a GOOD one. Thanks for reading the redemption God has done in my life, I know He is not done with your story, so be ready when he calls you out onto unknown waters because he has something great waiting for you on the other side. I give this blog to the Lord may he be glorified and exalted on High. He is Sovereign over all. Jesus is the true friend.
