In that moment a bunch of thoughts from these three last months came flooding back to me–some of the journeys I’ve been traveling in 2011. Most days I don’t feel like I am growing, but last night showed me just how far God has taken me in terms of where I find my worth.
It has taken the last few days for me to realize how obsessed much I used to define my worth by how I looked. It’s not that this is entirely gone, but it’s fleeting.
But now it’s time to compare everything that is changing
1. Make up--I used to wear make-up basically every day. Even last month when we worked in the school, I put on make-up everyday before leaving the house. This month, I just decided against wearing it because we don’t have a good mirror in our house. Of course last night when I wore it, someone noticed. It was a funny moment because at home, I was the one who was always over-dressed, straightened her hair, and wore make-up. Never has anyone been shocked that I was dressed up–until last night.
2. Showers–Before the race, I showered once a day. Sometimes twice a day. Clean freak. Coudln’t stand to have an ounce of dirt on me anywhere. If I was even mildly sweaty, it was time for a shower. On the race, I’ve been lucky enough to stay in homes where showers have always been an option. Still, I don’t seem to take full advantage of them. Here in Peru, if my hair is going on a third day without a wash, I’ll start considering bathing. But day 3 without shower tends to mean I can have cute curls in my hair! Some of these dirt habits have stemmed from avoiding cold showers at all costs, but it will be interesting to see how this pattern continues when I am home again.
3. Clothes–Before the race, I never thought I had an issue with shopping (mostly because my sister shops about five to one compared to me). I did not even think that my clothes were a big part of my identity. But last month in Ecuador we lived in a really nice suburb with a mall down the road, and I found myself coveting new clothes. I found myself wanting to not be wearing the same thing day-in and day-out. It took so much supernatural God-strength to not run down the road to shop to my heart’s content. Perhaps this is why both my debit and credit card were stolen quite early last month.
Now this month, I am ditching about half my clothes. I hate carrying a bulging, fifty-pound pack. These past few weeks I have gone out of my way to wear fewer of my clothes–to see what I really need and what can be left behind. I pretty much spend every day in my blue, baggy Cambodia pants that protect me from the incessant gnat bites. This is goes against every last inch of my being, against my flesh. If I am being truly honest, I want to wear cute clothes when I live in cities where people dress well. I want them to see that I too care about my appearances. 
…And this is where God has begun to speak into me, showing me my true beauty is in Him. He could care less what I am wearing. It’s not that He wants us to be frumpy or not take care of our physical bodies–far from it, we are temples of the Holy Spirit. But what does that look like? What does it look like for me to find my worth in Him?
It looks like me listening to Him. It means listening to Him call me His Beloved, that He finds me beautiful when I am laying on the floor coloring like a little kid.
It means that during this journey where I want to know who He has made me to be, that I would rather spend five extra minutes in prayer over in front of a mirror applying make-up (if there is one to be found).
It means when one of my friends is shocked that I have the potential to put effort into my physical appearance that I don’t get offended or even waver for one second. It means I look at those moments and see all the ways in which God has already done a huge work in me.
I know I still have a long, LONG road ahead of me in this department, and that returning home won’t be easy either. It means I know the devil’s favorite tool is comparison–especially in a city like Los Angeles. I’m beyond delighted that I am beginning to hear the God’s whisper in who He has made me to be.
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On a different note, I have four squadmates who are still fighting to stay on the race. THey are women who are learning the same lessons as I am. They each need 10k in their accounts in the next ten days! Please read their blogs, hear their hearts, and help them stay on the field with us!
**Currently my internet is too slow to let me hyperlink, so please paste the url I have listed!*
Char Matz–www.charmatz.theworldrace.org
Rashida Brooks– www.rashidabrooks.theworldrace.org
Denise Bavone– www.denisebavone.theworldrace.org
Megan Thomas– www.meganthomas.theworldrace.org
As for me, I need less than 2k to be fully funded by June 1st! So please help me hit that mark too!
