Have Faith That I am Moving

This month was incredible in so many ways, and I do not mean to belittle that by any means. However, spiritually this was an extremely frustrating month. I fell into traps that I knew were laid: I spent ample time living a materially blessed life where I needed God very little. In the time I did spend in prayer, I was frustrated and angsty because I felt so alone. I felt God nowhere. I couldn’t see Him moving. I couldn’t hear His voice. I’ve been in these seasons before, but I couldn’t understand this one. Going into this month, I was praying for earthquakes, for God to shake everything I had known, to rock this country. Going into this month, His presence was booming and He was leading for me. I simply had to be obedient to His voice. So when the silence came, I had about zero patience with it.

It’s taken until this afternoon for me to reflect and see the fruit of His silence. To see important lessons He taught me, and to REMEMBER that He told me that I should have faith that He was moving. Have Faith. I didn’t think I would ever again struggle to believe in a HUGELY powerful God. But I just spent an entire month not having faith because I couldn’t see. Because I couldn’t hear.
This month I struggled to blog because I didn’t want to write when God wasn’t calling me forth to say anything. I struggled to lead because I didn’t feel God’s voice leading me to say or do anything. However in His infinite faithfulness that I’ll never begin to understand, He has revealed to me the lessons He taught me this month, the ways He has grown me, that He did move, and that He is still moving. So I’d like to share that as month two comes to a close (I realize it’s long, but consider it a recap for all the blogs I didn’t write).

1. I have always been famous and notorious for being quick-witted and sharp-tongued. The filter in my brain rarely works fast enough to stop harsh and caustic words from coming out of my mouth. I speak my mind with little issue. This can be a blessing but it’s a very, very sharp double-edged sword. Awhile back, I read somewhere the importance of surrendering our thoughts to God, to letting Him control and dictate what went through our mind, what stuck in our mind (Philippians 4:8). I immediately recognized that this would be a huge feat in God and my relationship, and for awhile I felt that growth and saw the fruit of His showing me goodness and joy, of showing Himself in the people around me. But at some point, I stopped surrendering and stopped looking for Him, and my thoughts reverted to those of judgment and superiority. Going onto the race and especially into this month as I began to develop deeper relationships with my teammates, I prayed that He would change my manner in which I conduct relationships, to show me how to love more unconditionally.

Now throughout this month, my room/teammate Cadence has consistently encouraged me in how tactful and patient I am. I have often laughed it off because those are two words no one has ever used to describe me. Today was our last day of ministry and the lovely children did an incredible “Academy Awards” goodbye ceremony for us, in which they gave each of us a “fruit of the spirit award”. Now if you’re not familiar with this passage, the evidence of the Holy Spirit working in our lives is: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, meekness, love and self control/ temperance (Galatians 6:22). The last one I’d ever consider being evident in my life is temperance and self-control. BUT guess which award I was in fact given? Yes. Self-control. And if not for God, then how are they to know that in fact this is not who I have EVER been in my life. It took until that ceremony today for me to acknowledge that God has been moving in my life this month. God IS changing me, even when I can’t see Him or hear Him.

2. If I added up all the time I spent alone in the last twenty days, it probably comes in around two hours. That’s unheard of for me. I used to say that I needed ample alone time EVERY DAY in order to recharge–two hours in a DAY would be a severe shortage. God-time meant me-time. This month that was not an option. Yet, looking back: I was rarely exhausted, I was rarely short on patience the way I used to be when not given my space. In realizing how I was constantly in the presence of people this month, I see how God MUST have been moving and present and protecting me. He recharged me based according to the circumstances. He never even let it cross my mind how little I was alone. He sustained me. He kept me going. Yes. He’s moving in me. Yes, He’s definitely shaking who I was.

3. Fear. God is showing me what He means when we’re told that we were not given a spirit of timidity or of fear. He’s breaking me of spiritual fears by pushing my physical fears. I come from a family of people who are very afraid of heights. Even talking about cliffs makes my palms sweat. So i cannot explain how I was the first person on my team to march up to the bridge, hand a man a few bucks, let him attach a bunjee cord to me, climb onto the ledge of said bridge and jump. Head first. Off a bridge. This is how He wants me to run after Him. No fear of free-falling, but having faith that His hands are holding me, encircling me.

4. In being silent, God showed me what consistency means. One of my biggest prayers for this year was that I would change to become consistent in my relationship with God. That regardless of present circumstance, I would choose joy and choose to profess God’s goodness because He is constant and He is faithful. This month He tested me in that. And for most of the month, I would not say I was doing too well with the challenge. Yet in learning these lessons now, I see what it will look like to be consistent when I’m home in Los Angeles surrounded by a materially blessed life. Consistent means faith 24-7. He’s always moving. He’s always in control.

Behold I go forward, but he is not there
and backward, but I do not perceive him;
on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him;
he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.
But he knows the way I take; when he has tried me I shall come out as gold.
Job 23:8-10

There are so many more lessons He’s still weeding and weaving in my life, but for now, it’s time to say goodbye to the students, teachers, and our incredible contacts. It’s time to say goodbye to one of the most Spirit-filled schools in which I’ve ever been–a testament to God’s faithfulness when we live our love out through Him. Month two is finished. It’s March already. Ecuador may one of my favorite places on earth. And that says a lot.

It wasn’t great just because God gave me the chance to climb a snow-capped volcano, or bike through the Andes, or visit indigenous towns, or explore incredible Quito. It’s the people of this country who blessed us this month. People who taught me that humility and servitude go hand-in-hand with God’s power. People who taught me how to live out joy and goodness.

I’m praying again that God would provide a time and way for me to come back to visit this awesome nation in years to come.