But not broken for this country. God is here. God is faithful. He won’t change. He’s never left this nation. He never will.
That’s not my brokenness. My brokenness is in his broken-heartedness for me.
I knew going into this race that God didn’t take me away from home just to serve His people. He doesn’t need me to do anything. He is choosing to use me, to act through me. Truthfully, He brought me here for me. (Yes. He loves me that much. And He loves you that much too).
I have known that I cannot be a part of bringing His kingdom until I am His. And I am tired of not being challenged. I was made for more. Made for more for Him.
I know I am loved. I know I am worthy. I know I am a new creation. I know I am forgiven. I know I am covered. I know I am all of those things. And that knowledge, those gifts are incredible.
But it’s not enough.
I’m hungry for Him. For more of Him.
I’m tired of not being pushed. I’m tired of not pushing myself.
I’m broken from leading because I have been taught and told how to lead. Truth be told: I don’t.
I cannot do anything apart from Him. From His strength.
Today during our team time, I didn’t say anything for an hour. To the world, it looked like great leadership. It looked like me challenging my team to step up and lead, which they did. I am a leader on a team of leaders.
And God used my silence.
But that’s not why I was quiet.
I was silent because I wasn’t hearing from Him. I have spent a month saying everything I thought sounded good, sounded wise, was rooted in what I’ve read about Him. I know what His Word says. I can tell you who He is. And that’s been enough. Some people never get any further in life than that. But I don’t want that. Getting into heaven isn’t enough for me.
I don’t want Him to answer my prayers for a comfortable life. I have stopped asking for things to be easier. He can do all those things. He’s proven that through eternity. No miracle is too big or too small for an infinite God.
But I don’t want the things He can give.
I don’t want His blessings.
I want Him.
I’m hungry for more.
I want Him to tell me who He is Himself. I want to believe without a doubt that everything His word says is true for me too.
I want to sit when He tells me to sit. I want to run when He tells me to run.
So we’re moving on to Ecuador in two days.
And I want prayer for God to radically WRECK ME for anything less than Him.
I want to know Him so well that I won’t question which voice is His.
I want to be His. It’s my choice. And it’s all He’s ever asked of me.
Everything else He’s taking care of.
