But how many of us are truly who we show the world? That bubbly girl is genuinely a big part of who I am, but another part is a girl who fears failure. This fear has dominated and held me back in grades, in college acceptances, in friendships, in relationships, in job hunting and most recently in support raising. I have one-twelfth of what I need to cover my entire race. And that’s not enough.
Today, I was talking to my fellow Uncaged teammate (who is also going on the race–follow him at kellengorbett.theworldrace.org–and he’s a writer, so his stuff is gooooood.) about how I feel listless, how I hate living in this limbo, how I am frustrated that I have intentionally put myself in an extremely vulnerable position–a position that has me rely on my readers, my friends, my family to believe in God’s work in me enough to financially support me. And how it feels like I must not be coming through because that account balance has not changed much in the last three months, despite countless prayers lifted up, letters sent out, phone calls made, meals had.
And this has led me to realize that I genuinely fear that I cannot change people’s hearts, I cannot write enough or say enough to actually move people to donate to my race fund.
But this brother pointed out that God is already changing us–we are already emotionally on this race. God believes in me. He wants me out there. And He wants to free me from my fear of faiure. God IS using me and IS changing hearts through my walk.
I still haven’t sent out my support letters to my supporters from Haiti. Why? Because somewhere I’ve let people close to me speak lies over me. I’ve let people tell me that I’m not allowed to ask others to support me because I come from a family that is better off than others.
So now it’s October. And I am struggling to fight myself out of that lie, and all of the lies I have slowly come to believe since beginning my run towards the race. Satan found a new fear to attack and he is clinging to it with all of his might. And I’ve let him win. Until now.
God wants me on that race. And support raising is not just for me. When it’s “just for me”, I let the lies belittle me. But God sent His son to free me, to free us from any and all worthlessness we feel. But now I remember it’s God calling me onto that race, and that this race is not just about His work in me, it’s about every life that will be touched by my journey, including yours. It’s about Him. Every step.
I don’t want to be the one that changes your hearts, even if I did have that power. I want you to let God change your heart–whether that means praying for me, praying for the victims of human trafficking, going on a mission trip yourself, or releasing you from fear.
Let God into you. Let Him LOVE you. Let Him release you. Because He can. And He wants to.
For me, tonight, and for the next three months–it means believing that through God, I will have $5,000 in my account by January. And in just over a year, God will have raised $15,000 to change my heart and to free hearts all throughout His Kingdom.
Please prayerfully consider supporting me financially on this journey, and then sign up for email subscriptions to my blog. This trip is not just about me. I have learned so much and been healed of so much by reading the stories of racers. It’s incredible how much God will do through each of us if we just get out of our own way and follow His way.
