Well I’m now in Ireland and at the beginning of month three and wondering what in the world is going on. Coming on this trip I felt confident in the giftings and abilities the Lord had given me and I believe I placed my identity in those things. I felt that the Lord had given me an abundance of Love, Joy and Patience all which have now seemed to disappear from my life. I see glimpses of them but have to work so hard to love the way I use to, to have joy in the midst of everything and to be patient with a child. I look at myself now and wonder what has happened? I am weak and feel like my identity has been completly torn away from me. Job 1:20-21 “Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised”.Over the past 2 days I have cried more than I ever have in my life but I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12: 9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made pefect in weakness” I may not know what is going on but I know the Lord is doing something. I have been praying that God would take me to a new place with him and that I would be broken. I had no idea what that was going to look like but I believe that is what’s happening. Yesterday, we were on our way to ministry and I could not stop crying. I’m crying and not even sure why I’m crying. I cried in front of the missionaries foster child, a man I just met and while I was humilited for a moment I then realized I have longed to be broken and my prayer has been answered. For so long I have felt the Lord wanted to take me to a new level but when I felt him drawing me near I pushed him away scared of what it would look like if I fully let the Lord have his way. Well, I’m tired of holding back, I want it all no matter what that looks like. I am a mess but I feel God working now more than ever in my life. I pray the Lord will take my life which now feels like a ball of mush and will mold me into the person he desires for me to be. I’m tired of doing things in my own strength, I now cling to him and only him…..
