Here I am lying face down on a gym floor, tears streaming down my face. Why do I feel so defeated? I know God wants to take my every burden but I don’t know how to give it to him for I don’t know what the burden is.
I arrived in Ireland this month so excited for what was ahead. We are serving in a church this month working alongside ministries that are thriving. This is what I know how to do, this will be easy. God is moving in this church and the town of Coleraine is one of the most thriving and alive places I have ever seen. Yet I feel numb. Every day I found myself sneaking away to our back porch alone to stare into nowhere and I feel lost. There is no emotion, no happiness or sadness, I just stare out into this foreign place feeling utterly small.
So as I lay on the floor unable to even speak I begin to listen to the lyrics of a Will Reagan song playing idly in the background.
"Will You save me from this emptiness?
Will You lead me into peace?
Will You save me from this loneliness?
Will Your hope, my fears, release?
All of my walls and my defenses fall
Fall to the ground
When the walls of Your light
Shines all around"
As I lay there I still had no idea what my burden was that God wanted me to surrender. And then He began to speak to me, “You don’t know what to give me because I don’t want just one thing, I want everything.” What was I holding onto that I hadn’t given to God? I’m on the World Race I gave my whole life!
“I want your regrets, fears, relationships, hope, devotion, love, I want every aspect of you.”
As the walls that I had around me began to crack He spoke to me clearer than anything I had experienced. And what he would say broke me even more. As I lay there on a cold floor in Coleraine Ireland God spoke something so simple yet so profound. “You can save no one that’s my job” I realized as I was laying there the burden I had been carrying was the responsibility of everyone’s salvation. I was trying to pull them to Jesus with my own strength, forcing them to take the path that I had carved out. Jesus was asking me to let go of that burden and just follow him. Once I released myself from this God put a vision in my heart.
Every person that I was carrying the burden of their salvation is in a vehicle on a winding road. I am pulling them with all my might down this road but the progress is slow. They are unable to do anything for themselves because I have taken complete control of that vehicle. But God asks me to let go, so I do. The vehicle stops and I walk away. But only then when the vehicle stops and I get out of the way are they able to get out and hear what Jesus is saying. Come to me He calls them and now that they are free from this vehicle they are each able to run to him down a path that they see fit.
While I am broken for the people that have yet to meet my best friend Jesus, I learned that it is not my responsibility to drag them to his feet. I can only walk towards him enabling others follow this path that I am walking.
