Lack of patience
Learning Disability
Insecurities about my appearance
…are just a few
How do I walk in these? How do I invite God into them?
First, I think of Paul, God’s apostle. He talks about how he was mocked and made fun of. But Paul was glad! He wasn’t a good speaker, but rejoiced in this because when boldness, wisdom, and knowledge was spoken it was from God. It was God’s power through Him that encouraged, challenged, and spurred people on. People saw God instead of Paul!
I am not going to see God’s power when I do it myself and others won’t either. I am going to see it when I have no idea what I am doing and He has to do it through me.
One example is my learning disability. I was ashamed for many years that I struggled with learning the way everyone else could easily learn. I did not share with anyone that I had a LD until my college years. It was a huge insecurity which I hid at all cost. But, if I boasted in it, people would have seen God’s incredible power in my life by the way He worked through me, despite my learning disability.
Sometimes I have questioned why I decided to be a teacher. I struggle with explaining myself, filling out all the documents, and having patience (can you imagine if I put that on my resume?). But God gave me a passion to teach, and a compassion for others who have learning disabilities. So even though I may not be adequate to teach perfectly, God can use my weakness to bring His power. It forces me to rely on Him for perseverance, wisdom, diligence, patience and a heart for learning.
One of the head department professors at OSU asked if I would reconsider going on the WR and instead teach at an inner city school. “You are such a gifted teacher, we need you! There is something different about you.�
Here would have been a perfect time to boast about my weakness! “Haha well, let me just tell you where that giftedness comes from because it sure isn’t me! In fact I struggle at teaching.� I didn’t say this but I am now excited for an opportunity to say it the next time someone compliments my teaching. Or when people always say, “You must have a lot of patience to be teaching special needs.� “Well actually I am horrible at being patient, but it is God who has given me this unnatural patience when I teach.�
I have a hard time accepting grace as you all probably know by now. The root is pride…thinking I should know better. But this has grace written all over it. I get to experience God’s power when I can’t do anything, when I am struggling, and I am lost, worthless, confused, anxious, worried, and so on.
My appearance was a struggle for a long time…this is a story for a different time, but God has truly shown His power in it. But on the race it has come back. This time it is my complexion and it has grown worse. I know that outward appearance doesn’t matter…what is in the heart matters.
1 Peter 3:8, “Instead it should be that of the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.�
I truly desire this and believe this! But confess I do not have this perspective all the time. I will never look perfect, and as a matter of fact, as time goes on, my appearance will fade even more. Something else I am learning though is that it is okay to want to feel beautiful on the outside too, not to focus on or find my delight/value in, but we are called to take care of our bodies.
I finally went to some of the girls and asked if they would pray that my face would clear up. I got to see God’s power of love through them by them doing research, buying me products, and praying for me.
My face did not get better. My team leader one day asked what I needed prayer for. As I said a few things I felt God nudging me to tell him to pray for my face. “But God, he is a boy. That is embarrassing.� But I did it….and it was good. I got to see God’s power in Ryan’s loving words, affirmation, and truth he spoke to me.
Every village I went to in India the people loved to point, touch my face, and give me quizzical looks. At first I was surprised, embarrassed, and unsure how to respond. But then God told me to just tell them about it…even though they had no idea what I was saying. Now I know He had me do it for myself.
“Yeah, they look gross and are annoying, but you know God is teaching me a lot through it. And I know He will heal my face and will do it at the perfect time. He is the only one who has the power to do so. It’s been good really, a great reminder to myself every single day that true beauty is God in my heart. And now I am learning about how to boast in this insecurity.�
They would smile after I gave this dialog and we would continue in our gestures.
When I got to the third children’s home I was about to give my little spiel to remind myself of God’s truths when the girl’s face lit up. As she rambled on about something I got excited because she was really enthusiastic. She acted out squeezing something and wiping it on her face. As I bobbled my head in consent to her wanting to do something she ran and got a tomato. She cut it open and rubbed its guts all over my face. As the juices dripped off my chin I could not help but laugh and praise God for this little girl who wanted to help. Every day I would get my tomato facial. It was fantastic! What if God used this girl’s compassion and a little tomato to heal my face?
“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.� 2 Corinthians 12:10
“We can never be too weak to serve God but we can be too strong.� Matt Moore
God loves to equip those who don’t have it all together. But it is when we are too strong when it hinders our ability to serve God. Sure opposite of our world eh? God, make me weak so it forces me to rely on you!
P.S. This is not to say that God doesn’t use our strength to glorify His name! He is the one that gave us our gifts and talents so He of course will use them for His name’s sake as well!
