God, I don’t understand. Why are we called to pour our hearts into people and then just like that get up and leave to say good-bye and never see them again? Why do we share our lives, laugh, cry, hug, and listen when in just a blink of an eye have to give a last hug? Is the pain worth it? Is leaving a piece of my heart in every place I go part of the process? Am I doing something wrong? Is my love selfish? I hate this feeling.
I started to feel it come on the day before I left. What is this knot in my stomach, where did my happiness go, and why do I want to be alone? Oh yes, I remember. I have to hug Kenneth, tell Pride how much she is valued, rub Laurence’s head, jam on the marimba with Busong, play Skip-Bo with Jerry, Lorenzo and Bailey, listen to Sidney quote scripture, dance with Precious and Esther, tickle Calvin, and plant carrots with Edwin and Lantern all for the LAST time.
God, my heart is already raw from good-byes. Do I have to do it again? I don’t want to!
It is worth it. It is worth the hurt, Teresa.
I think of Jesus. I think of His ministry. He poured into people and then moved on. He loved with God’s love…all in. He knew it was worth it because He changed lives, and knew He would be with them for eternity someday. He knew there were more people He would love and needed to know His love.
God, it never talks about how Jesus missed people.
When one of His best friends, John, was beheaded he withdrew to a solitary place. He wanted to be alone with You too! But people found Him and He did not sit in His sadness, He took that emotion and turned it into compassion and started healing the people.
I guess He did miss John. Oh, You are right, His soul was ‘overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death’ right before He was about to die. I can’t even fathom that kind of grief. He had to leave perfect unity with You for the first time in all eternity. He even knew this before He said yes to coming to this world. And was it worth it? More than I will ever imagine!
I am eternally grateful.
So I will say good-bye God. I will leave with a smile on my face because I know that I will get to party with them again. Yes, I will always have a bit of my heart there, but because of that I can pray, pray for their lives, pray for growth in You, pray for safety, joy, a contagious love for You, a hunger to share that love with others.
Saying good-byes will always be hard, but if they weren’t that would be even more upsetting. It means You blessed the relationship, it means You move in ways I didn’t expect. You made something beautiful!
Playing Skip-Bo
Some of the precious boys.
Sydney standing in part of the huge garden!
HUGS!
