How do I save a life? I can’t in reality. Well then what is
the point of going on this trip?
No matter what I do, say, or think; I can’t change anyone or
make something more clear or even make them receive what I want to give
them. But what I can do is influence.
I am student teaching right now in an inner city Columbus
middle school. It has been ranked the lowest performing middle school in Ohio
the last few years. It has surely been a challenge to teach at this school.
Well actually I don’t feel like I am teaching. I feel like I am solely working
on classroom management. Trying to master my teacher voice right now…difficult
when God has blessed you with a high pitched voice 🙂. My students can be
degrading, disrespectful, angry, racist, and tell me they hate me or wish I was
gone. At other times they will come up and want a hug or share stories with me,
or tell me they want me to be their teacher next year. (I do have fun times
with my students, there are times when I get so excited that I am teaching them
and they bring smiles to my face). Why the dramatic changes in how they relate
to me? Because their lives are traumatic.
Even from the outside you can tell these students are
disturbed. On the inside they are even more broken, confused, hurt, ashamed,
and feeling unwanted (I guess what a lot of us can feel at times but theirs is
intensified by 100% I feel like). One of my students was so disruptive in class
the other day my mentor teacher told me to call her mother. Since the phone was
disconnected, we decided to make a home visit. Even though I have been told
stories of each of my students, it becomes more real when you see where they
live. As I walked into my student’s “home� I did not feel like I was in America
any more. I felt like I went back to another country where poverty is not
hidden and the reality of her life smacked me in the face. I can’t go into
details but what I saw was miserable. “My student has to live like this?! No
wonder she is the way she is.� I walked out of the meeting with her mom feeling
hopeless and wishing so badly I could take the children in the house with me. I
honestly do not know how these students can even function “normally� the little
bit they do.
As I sat in the car driving home, talking with God, wanting
to cry but not being able to, I realized that I can’t save my students; I can’t have conversations about how God has helped me in my life in the public school setting. Seems like I can’t do anything! I hate
this…not being able to change things. But God reminded me of 2 Corinthians
12:10, when I am weak and helpless that is when He is able to work. I can’t get
in His way then. I don’t know what God will do in my student’s lives, but I do
know that he will reveal Himself (Romans 1:20) to all and will give His grace
and love freely (Ephesians 1:6). In God’s mercy, He can use me as a vessel to
pray for my students, I can persevere in
loving them even when they are
acting in unlovable ways, and I can role model a different way of relating and communicating than they are used to
experiencing. I feel inadequate and wonder how they will ever see this, but it
all goes back to faith, and trusting that God will open up their eyes to see a
glimpse of His unwavering love for them. I am finding it extremely hard to
believe though that this will happen for my students.
I know that this placement is helping me for what is to come
on the WR and life in general. Even though it is hard and I am exhausted every
day from the fighting and darkness that surrounds them, I am encouraged by the
love my mentor teacher shows these students and now the opportunity for me to
show them God’s love.
Makes me think of how God even loves me. Sometimes these
students are so unlovable and I find myself thinking, “I cannot wait to leave
this.� But I realize God never says that to me. Even though I have disobeyed Him
by my actions, contended with His plans for me, and have ignored Him at times,
He never leaves me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I pray that I can have this same love
for my students (1 John 4:19). So that no matter what, I can see them as He
sees them, beautifully and desperately loved children.
