I’m going to be honest. I suck at vulnerability. In fact, according to the personality test I love so much, the unconscious message of my flesh is “it is not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.” And it’s true. So true the only thing that can break me of it is the Holy Spirit. But one of the goals of the World Race (and life) is that we allow God to work on our weaknesses, and I think there are some things He wants to break me of before this journey. Today God revealed something to me and I felt prompted to share it, so I’m going to do so before I rethink it. I am physically cringing as I think about sharing this in written form at all, let alone with real people on the other side of the screen. But here it is.
I always feel like I’m too much. I’ve even started to catch myself apologizing for being too much lately. Over the past few months, I’ve apologized when I’m talking to people for being too intense or too blunt or too whatever. And I’m sick of it.
People always used to tell me, “you’re too intense, Tera. Just lighten up a bit. Guys are so intimidated by you because you’re just too sure of yourself.” I know they meant well, but those words have actually turned into deep roots of insecurity in my life. I don’t like guys very often, but when I have it seems like they usually end up with some sweet, shy, soft-spoken wallflower of a girl (yes, I am fully aware of the sin of comparison present in this statement), and all those things people used to tell me come back to me. You’re just too much, Tera. And the enemy joins in: You’re too strong a person, you’re too muscular, you’re too intense, you’re too passionate, you’re too smart, you’re too focused, you’re too extroverted, you love Jesus too much for people’s comfort zone. You’re intimidating. Now, most of those are good characteristics (in moderation), which is why most of my life I haven’t sought to change them. But it doesn’t make me any less insecure about them.
I am a sweet, gentle, caring, super bubbley, all over the place person a lot of the time. But I’m also an intensely passionate person who takes zero excuses, who won’t settle for anything less than my best in all aspects of life, and who wants to see the kingdom of darkness brought to its knees in surrender to the one Who reigns over all. And yes, I’ll admit that can be intimidating to some people.
But you know what? You know Who I’ll never be too much for? God. Because God loves me too much. He pursues me too ardently. He romances me too lavishly. He reveals Himself too abundantly. He reigns too supremely. He sacrifices too immensely. He forgives too graciously. He longs for me too jealously. And here’s the thing: if there is never a man on earth who doesn’t find me intimidating, then I’m okay with that. Because the God who made heaven and earth already became a man who walked this earth, who died for me, for all of me, for all the times I walked too independently, fell too hard, and sinned too much. And that love is more than I can handle. It’s more than I can comprehend. It’s more than I can bear.
It’s too much.
One of my mentors who has known me for years looked at me this summer and said, “Tera, do you know why you’re so enamored with God? Because He is the only thing in life that no matter how hard you pursue Him, you can never pursue Him harder than He pursues you.”
If God gave too much for me, if He continues to give me too much of Himself every day, more than I will ever deserve, then the least I can do is be all that He created me to be, even if it is too much for some people. Because if you’re not willing to be too much to some people, you’ve probably never gotten a real glimpse of the One who gave too much for you. I’m not telling you to go throw Jesus in people’s faces, but if you have ever felt like you’re too much for people, I would ask you to prayerfully evaluate off whose standards you’re basing that.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). There is one opinion that will matter in the end. I don’t think I will ever regret giving too much to Him or for Him. He is worth it all.
