We started our drive towards the mountains, the day just beginning. The skies were smokey, not much of the mountains visible. I asked why it was so cloudy, Jim (our host) said it was smoke from burning. As we got closer I could see more and I was in awe of the beauty.
My favorite season is fall. I love everything about fall; the cool crisp air, the changing of colors, the cardigans and boots, warm apple cider by the fire, the reminder that through death new life was given. Everything about it makes my heart feel warm and full of joy.
So as we drove up into the mountains and I began to notice that the trees were shades of red and orange. the landscape swept me away. I was in love and felt like the Lord had given me this sweet gift of fall in the midst of my rut. The roads were winding all the way to our location, each turn bringing new colors and a different brush of wind. I wanted nothing more than to drive for hours and hours through this beautiful land.
Eventually our drive ended, and we got to the village of our ministry for the week. We spent the week painting and talking with each other; building relationships with each other and our ministry contacts. It was a calming and great week.
However, the whole time I just felt sort of off. I am in this rut of transition. A transition of spiritual growth. The Lord has called me into this new journey of knowing Him as my lover and being His bride. This is new and odd. I never have thought of Him as a lover. Especially when we have been walking through this season of intimacy with Him as my Father. But here we are walking into something new, and I haven’t got a clue of what it’s suppose to look like or where to even start.
I sit with Him, I give up. I sit with Him again, I give up. I don’t know what to ask or not ask. What is this haha
Then I just tell Him that. I haven’t got a clue. What am I doing? How do I do this? How do I commit to knowing You this way, in this season?
In my realness and honesty, not a facade I try to have, I hear Him.
**Goodness how have I not learned this is the way to go yet!
He revealed something to me in this moment of truth with Him. That I am selfish. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but wow how true.
Most married couples say you truly learn to be selfless once you’re married, because you don’t realize how selfish you are before.
Well here I was before the Lord and He says that if I want to know Him as my lover, and be His bride, I need to acknowledge this. I need to acknowledge that His needs will need to be put above mine. I must submit to Him. I need to let Him lead me, and be less independent. From here on out my choices affect the both of us.
Woah! That is a lot! But wow do I feel like this season is gonna be full of a new sweetness!
As we were getting ready to head back to Chiang Mai from the mountains, it was dark. The moonlight bright and reflecting along the river water. Then there in the mountains There was a dancing line of orange, racing through the deep black shapes. They were burning through the night. It was the most beautiful thing. I was in awe again by the landscape and this place. It was this reminder that even in the rut of feeling stuck there is a light in the darkness. There is a burning fire in us.
Will I let my fire dance through all of my being or just some embers trapped and unable to spread?
