Before I start off, I need to admit some things to you. All of my life, I have struggled with being a people-pleaser. I worry about what people think of me, I don’t like to step on toes, and I’ve been hesitant to share my faith because I don’t want to come off as a bossy, dogmatic, know-it-all. I’d like to say that I’ve matured and risen above that, but it wouldn’t be true.
Many times in the past 6 months I’ve written blogs about things that I think YOU want to hear, rather than really share my heart. Not that anything I’ve written hasn’t been from the heart, it’s just that I’ve gone into a people-pleasing mode when I sit down to write. I figured that my supporters, family, and friends want to see results. They want to hear how many roofs we’ve built, they want to know how many people I’ve led in a “prayer of salvation”, and they want to see pictures of me holding orphans and feeding the hungry.
I’ve assumed that you’d much rather hear about how I’m saving the world than hear about how the world is saving me.
Well, I’m going to try not to do that anymore, and I’m going to risk being a disappointment. I need to learn that the only opinion that matters is that of my Creator, and that I exist to give glory to Him and not myself. So I’m sorry if I ever step on your toes or make fun of a bumper sticker that you actually have on your car, but I need to get over myself and my desire to make everyone happy.
That being said, the past month was phenomenal. My mind was stretched and my heart was broken in ways that I didn’t know it could. I learned what it means to BE ministry, rather than to DO ministry. I learned to just sit and listen to my Father. I learned how small I am, and how incapable I am to even breathe without God willing my lungs to do so. I realized how often I’ve put God in a box, and was scared to death to realize how much I know about Him, but how little I really know Him.
This year is almost like an ‘out of body experience’ for me (in a totally non-creepy way). Being thrown into different cultures and lifestyles gives me a chance to have an outside view into what my own life was like for the past 21 years. Since the age of 6, if asked my religion, I would respond, “I don’t have a religion. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ”, but I’m starting to see how religious and impersonal it really was.
All my life, people have taught me how to memorize scripture, phrase my prayers, have a ‘quiet time’, read the Bible, dress modestly, tithe, and on and on. But rarely did anyone teach me to get to know HIM! I didn’t know how to be silent and listen to God, I just knew how to blab to Him for 15 minutes, say ‘amen’, and then go to sleep. I was taught to be independent, taught to handle money and establish financial security, but didn’t know how to depend fully on Him and trust in nothing but Him for my every need. I could give you a perfect definition of “faith”, but had no clue how to live by it. I’ve grown up daydreaming about a Christian life that was comfortable, easy, and painless, all the while ignoring the verses that say that this is “battle”, that I’ll be “afflicted, persecuted, perplexed, struck down” for being a follower of Christ. The Christianity that I knew was civilized and domesticated, and my focus was on myself, and not my Father.
I spent so much time trying to be like Christ¡ I thought I was doing the right thing, constantly trying to improve myself and imitate Him. But wait.. He is PERFECT. And He already lives IN me¡ so rather than try to be perfect (which I will never be), why not just let the Perfect live THROUGH me? I mean, seriously, the Almighty God of the universe lives IN me¡ what better than to surrender myself, become a willing vessel, and let Him live through me? I, in and of myself, can do nothing. When I give up control, quit trying to become something, quit trying to follow rules and guidelines, and just let Him reign, that’s when I truly get to know Him.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to have a quiet time, memorize scripture, etc¡ it’s just when I’m doing them out of obligation because that’s what “good Christians do”, I’ve let myself become a slave to rules, to guidelines, to RELIGION. When I put every ounce of my faith in Him and allow Him to be my everything, to live through me; it doesn’t get any more personal than that! And my desire to read His word, pray, spend time with Him, etc, starts to come naturally, NOT out of obligation, but from an overflowing, overwhelming love that comes from deeply knowing my God.
Now I’ll make fun of a bumper sticker. : ) So, you’ve seen the sticker/key chain/t-shirt that says “Go Against the Flow!” with a little Christian fish swimming up a creek. Cute. But I’m afraid that we’ve created this entire upstream current of believers that live good, comfortable lives, and do good Christian deeds, yet don’t KNOW their God. Believers that say they trust God, yet wear themselves out at a job they hate because they’re trying to build financial security themselves. Believers that, though going ‘against the stream’ of the ungodly, are simply following morals and values¡ but not laying down their lives, dying daily, and living for a God that has captured their heart; a God that they would follow to the ends of the earth, that they would die for.
“If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.‘” ¨CJohn 7:37-38
