I wrote a glamorous blog yesterday; you would have loved it.
It was packed full of devastating earthquake facts, pictures of me holding smiling
children, and an account of the team’s
trip to the Ica sand dunes on our day off. It was a typical peppy update with ‘Teagan’ written all over it (packed full of exclamation points and smiley
faces). I even included a tidbit about my new favorite Peruvian cookies.
I deleted it.
Then re-wrote it.
Then deleted it again.
You deserve to know the truth, even if that means that I
risk disappointing or discouraging you. So here goes…
I’m miserable. I hate it here. I’m depressed; I haven’t
smiled in days (and if you know me, even a little bit, that’s unheard of.).
It’s not that I’m suffering from homesickness, and the idea of culture shock
hasn’t even crossed my mind. My team is AMAZING; I couldn’t be surrounded by a
better group of people. It’s not that I
am not adjusting well… I just showered for the first time in 6 days, and I
could care less. My sleeping bag is flea-infested, which is obnoxious, but oh
well.
The basis of my misery is that I feel totally and completely
abandoned by God. I feel like I’m constantly just praying to the roof of my
tent. He is being silent, and I’m wondering how much longer I can wait before I
start to question His existence. I try to avoid comparisons, but it feels as
though every other person here is pumped up and on fire for the Lord. He’s
speaking to them daily and undeniably showing up in everything they do. I just
feel like I’m living off the heat from everyone else’s fires, while becoming
acutely aware that I’m not on fire myself. I feel so alone, despite the fact
that there is NOWHERE here that you can go to be alone. I guess it’s what most
would refer to as being in a ‘spiritual desert’, but if feels a lot more like
the eye of a storm. It’s eerily quiet, windless, and unbelievably frightening.
I know I’m not only person to feel this way… David seemed to
feel this way often. To name a few…
Psalm 10:1 “Why, O Lord, do you stand afar off? Why do you
hide yourself in times of trouble?”
Psalm 13:1-2 “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my
soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be
exalted over me?”
Psalm 42:3 “My tears
have been my food day and night, while they say to me continually, ‘Where is
your God?'”
Psalm 143:7 “Answer me quickly, oh Lord! My spirit falls!
Hide not your face from me…”
But for each verse that I find about despair and
abandonment, I find another about waiting quietly… waiting and seeking.
Lamentations 3:25-27 “The Lord is good to those who wait for
Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the
salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his
youth.”
(Psalm 34:14, Exodus 14:14, Isaiah 32:17.. and on and on)
I decided it was about time for me to just SHUT UP and allow
the Lord to speak (should He choose to), so I’m spending today in
silence. I
stayed back at camp, I haven’t spoken a word since I woke up, and I
don’t plan
on uttering a sound until breakfast tomorrow. So far I just feel really
lonely, and the silence has become deafening. I’m getting more
frustrated by
the day… and I’m sorry for such a gloomy update, but at least you know
the
truth.
Love you all,
Teagan
