Uh….wow. Yes, I will start with that. Wow, what a week. How can a week go by so fast, with information being poured in from all sides, and yet each day go by so slowly? I am now looking at this training camp from the other side, and think that even if I did go read all the blogs about training camp beforehand, I would not have been remotely prepared. There were many moments during this last week that I felt God speak to me, but I will share the most crucial moment for me and how it changed me from the inside out.
In my previous blog, I conveyed the struggle that I have had with the majority of my life in relinquishing the control over to God completely and allowing Him to choose the path for my life. Immediately upon arriving at camp, we had our first worship session, and I felt God there. He listened as almost 200 of His sons and daughters, after barely meeting each other, came together and praised His name. That was a powerful thing and I was overwhelmed by the love that each one of us sang to Him..
We had a speaker at our camp by the name of Ron Walborn, who dove into sessions by challenging us to open up about where we had come from and what we struggled with. A recurring theme in his lessons and also in the advice given by leaders, was to press into our Christian community. This was a struggle for me, for I have not experienced, in that way, a close-knit community of people that loved the Lord and that I felt connected to. But God was leading me to give these men and women the benefit of the doubt and trust them in a way that I have not trusted most people in my life. This started with my list of things lost.
We were asked to write down a list of things we had lost in our lives that we may or may not have been given the proper time to grieve about. Most of the time, when we lose something, it is our heart’s natural instinct to try to push those emotions down and move on so as to not dwell on it. This may not be the case for all people, of course, but it was certainly the case for me. I wrote that list down and tried to keep the emotions of these things down as well. We were then challenged further by being asked to split into small groups and share some of the things we lost, and to grieve about them if we need to with the love and grace of our community surrounding us.
My immediate reaction, “No way am I going to share.” But guess what God was asking me to do as I listened to my squadmates around me share their stories and cry the tears they needed to? If you guessed “share” then you are correct. It was suddenly my turn, and I tried to talk, but I couldn’t as tears welled up in my eyes. Immediately, everyone in that small group got up and moved closer to me, rubbing my back, holding my hand, and whispering words of love and encouragement. I was able to share with them this list and the only thing I recieved in return was love.
God broke me down emotionally. He dug deep into the scars of my past, challenged me to face them and to grieve over them, and He started the healing process that I have been putting off for years for worry that I would not be able to revisit these past moments. I am grateful, so very grateful, for my squad and the sense of community that was built in such a short time.
I learned so many things during training camp (more of which I will share), but God knew that I needed spiritual and emotional healing before I could go into the field fully prepared. He also knew that training camp was a safe place for me to start this process.
We have 5 weeks left until launch. My team leader left us with a few wise words before we all parted ways on Saturday. “These next 5 weeks will be the hardest weeks you have experienced this far. It is a time when the enemy will be tempting you with your weaknesses and attacking you where you struggle most. He does not want you to come onto the battlefield in September strong and protected by the armor of the Lord. He will want you weak and unprepared.” So in each of these days leading to launch, I will be asking the Lord for guidance and wisdom and will be aware of the choices I am making. Because the struggle for my life, and for every one else’s life, is real.
I am asking for prayer in these next few weeks, that I will not fall back into the temptations that I struggle with, but that I keep my eyes on what is ahead of me.
