Happy Enkardia Monday everyone! (Enkardia is my small group at NLR, it means heartfelt in Greek if I haven't explained that already)
(Also be warned: this is a long one, so brace yourselves)
So if I haven' mentioned already, my older brother (Brandon-23), just got married a couple of weeks ago. Extremely exciting, I love my band new sister-in-law SO much (her name is Katie), and they actually got married because Katie is having a baby! (Everyone in my family is extremely understanding and excited about the whole thing, regardless of when the baby was conceived, so there's that in case you were wondering.) They've already told everyone, and though I'm not 100% how they'll feel about me posting on the subject, but I need to talk about some things I've ben processing over the past couple of days relating to the subject.
Alright so on Saturday most of the staff (about 80 out of the 102 of us) went on our annual float trip, which is where we drive to the Illinois River about twenty five minutes away and go rafting together- so so much fun. As I have said before, we do not have cell phone reception at NLR, so when we got to the river rafting place and were waiting to pay I decided to check my phone. I had about 8 text messages and I started going through them, and eventually got to one from my mother saying that a woman had run a red light and Katie had been in a car crash with the two little boys she nannies in the car, ages 2 and 4 I believe.She said that everyone is absolutely fine, Katie, the baby, the two boys, and the woman who ran the light, and sent two pictures of Katie's very damaged car.
Of course my first reaction is relief and praise to The Lord for keeping them all safe, but after that feeling came fear and anxiety just for the situation. I could have lost part of my family that day, all because some woman was not paying attention or was running late. I could have never gotten to meet my little nice or nephew to come. Katie is in her first trimester, so it was a very real possibility. The tears started coming and I began to break down emotionally to some degree. I had to put some things back in the car anyway so I started walking on my own in that direction to let myself release some of those emotions and collect myself. Of course I was with my 79-odd fellow staffers, who were all understandably concerned and were so comforting. Enough people asked me what the situation was and were validating my emotions, enough were simply offering a comforting touch, and most people realized they should ask me later so that I wasn't explaining it 79+ times, especially since every time I had to explain it the tears came flooding back. Anyway, I decided to just have a good time on the float trip and try to process this later. So the trip was actually really wonderful, we had some great laughs and some amazing quality time with each other, but towards the end I was really ready to head back to the Ranch. We finished and all changed and started heading back but I was driving and really couldn't talk on the phone so I couldn't even call Katie or Brandon or my parents or anyone, and then when we did get back I had a ton of stuff I had to get done (laundry, paperwork, thank you notes, etc) and didn't have time to call them then either.
I cried and processed some more that night and then did a lot of processing during staff chapel the next morning. God started really causing me to examine some things that I had actually been preaching to my girls the entire week previously. He was really speaking to me through the worship and just every song was so convicting. So I want to elaborate on that a bit and then there's also some Scripture He was using. So the first song was that single verse,
"I surrender all/ I surrender all/ All to Thee my blessed Savior/ I surrender all"
The second line that hit me was from Be Thou My Vision, "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall/ Still be my vision oh Ruler of all"
The last one was three parts of God I Look To You,"God I look to You/ I won't be overwhelmed/ Give me vision to see things like you do…
I will love You, Lord my strength/ I will love You, Lord my shield/ I will love You, Lord my rock/ Forever all my days, I will love You God.
Hallelujah, our God reigns/ Hallelujah our God reigns/ Hallelujah, our God reigns/ Forever all my days, hallelujah".
From I Surrender All, God was so evidently asking me to examine if I truly surrender everything I have and everything I am to Him. Do I have Abraham and Isaac's willingness to submit to God's glory and God's plan, regardless of what that means for me personally. And not only do I surrender to Him, but do I do it with joy and praise and reverence, or do I do it with bitterness or some sort of martyr's pride.
With the Be Though My Vision verse, I felt God saying, "Really Taylor, whatever befalls? I'm still your Vision?" Had God decided to take Katie Home, along with my brother's precious baby and those two little boys, would my sights still be on the Lord's goodness and my faith still be in His plan? Or would I at least still desire to do my best to make those things my focus? At this point I was thinking of Peter walking toward Jesus on the water, and I pulled out my Bible and flipped to Matthew to read it. I looked for a bit, as I do not know my Bible as well as I should, found the passage (it's in Matthew 14, in case you were blanking too).
"22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”
28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” -Matthew 14:22-36 (ESV)
Would my vision be shifted as Peter's was when the first sign of trouble came? I already know that they are all safe, but even the idea of it has me breaking down in tears in front of 80% of summer staff right before a rafting trip. Peter has the faith to get out of the boat. He even has the added benefit of literally seeing Jesus right there in front of him. He experiences that Christ is faithful, because he makes it out at least part way to Jesus, and even considering ALL of that, it says. "he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink". He saw the wind. That's all it took. To me that says, the winds aren't even a danger to him yet, he's only perceiving that they could/will be at some point if they don't stop. Trouble isn't even there yet and Peter loses sight of everything. A drip of fear enters his mind and he somehow forgets that he has just walked on water, toward Jesus Christ the Holy Son of God, who is still obviously standing right there. All that said, when he does start to sink, he immediately cries out to Jesus to save him, so I give Peter a lot of points there. Because I have to wonder again, if we had lost them in that crash and I did begin to sink, so to speak, how long would I take to reach out for His hand? That day? A few months? A few years even?
And with the last song: number one, will I look to Him in times of trouble or will I stare at the winds and worry about the pressing danger to come. "I won't be overwhelmed." Haha, so much for that. Like I said, the mere thought of losing them had me emotionally all over the place. Would I have had His vision? Would I have seen it like He does? As Him taking her and that baby or those boys home like it talks about in Isaiah 57:1-2 and as something to bring me closer to Him or my family closer to Him, closer together. Or would I have been bitter and angry and confused. Would I allow Him to be my shield in that situation? I'm not so sure, as I am one of those people who (for whatever reason) feels the need/desire to dwell in painful situations, and even take pride in sufferings, I'm ashamed to say.
And the biggy- "Our God reigns". Do I truly, and more importantly, actively believe that He is the one, holy, and only, beautiful ruler of every detail of His creation. Is that where my comfort lies, that my God of the universe is in control. I'd like to think so, but I feel that's much easier for me to say seeing that they are all still here and well (praise God). There isn't one thing that has ever happened, is happening, or will ever happen, without His ok. And do I trust His goodness enough to know with full, absolute confidence that His plan is also good. I desire to have that faith, more than I can express with words.
Psalm 27:4 is quickly becoming my personal prayer to the Lord and what I desire of myself . "One thing I have asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple."(ESV) I turned to that verse to jus pray it over myself and ended up reading all of Psalm 27 about three times during chapel (wasn't really listening to the speaker- oops). But I highly recommend reading it,it's just an incredible passage to me. Verses 13 and 14 say, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord".
So I apologize for the length of this post, hopefully God is moving through it and challenging you to examine these things in yourself as well. I love you all very much and I pray that you will just praise God today for who He is, His goodness, and that He reigns. May all you comfort come from those facts.
In Christ,
Melch
