9am – May 25th, 2015
Bus : Maun, Botswana -> JoBurg
I’m crying….again.
Month 9 and you’d think this would be something I was used to.
Leaving.
Nope, it hit me the hardest it ever has on the race now…Why?
Why this country? Why these people? What is happening?!
Travel Day:
Joe, Beth, and i just left Maun, Botswana and “Love Botswana Ministries” to start heading back to JoBurg before the rest of the squad. 10 hours on a bus through the desert to Gabarone. In between are many check points where we need to grab our passports, get off the bus ,and also stomp our shoes on the mud/water soaked mat to prevent bringing in the feared “foot to mouth” disease to the next town. From Gabarone we will then take a 7 hour bus to JoBurg at 6am.
So with all the crossings and disease stops it is about a 20 hour travel.
Today is unlike any travel day I’ve had on the race. I have an entire bus row to myself! I have never seen public transportation so empty. This is such a gift. I think God knew I needed space. I i didn’t have it, I would have been snotting and ugly crying all over the African native next to me with no room to cry anywhere else.
The more I think about it, I don’t think it is a coincidence that our travel days are so long. It is a great processing place. Like right now, sitting in my seat pressed up against this window looking out to the African plains. Miles and miles and mile of it. I have no choice but to think about why it hurts to leave this time. I have to sit in it. What else am I going to do for 20 hours?!
Story Behind the Internal Battle of “Goodbye”:
Leaving ministry so fast is hard. Saying goodbye to the children here is especially hard this time around. Especially Pesalema and Shekinah Glory. 2 girls I got to pray over during “Fire By Night” (the youth church gathering). Pesa actually got my name a couple days prior from the Lord while she was praying. When I met her and introduced myself, she said
“Yes, I know who you are. God told me about you and that I was going to meet you. I have been waiting to hear your name.”
Wait…what…?
God gave her my name.
Me.
Taylor.
A girl in Africa knew my name and God prepared for us to meet. I was taken back to say the least. Talk about the Father preparing the way!
I ended up getting to know this beautiful girl well. Her dreams, passions, relationships, beliefs, her spiritual gifts put into action. I felt like a proud sister the last night we were all together as I watched her sing “Your Presence Is Heaven” while leading 100+ of her teenage peers in worship. IT WAS SWEET. It was heaven on earth watching these children get amped up with the Holy Spirit.
I never got to see their faces and say a full goodbye the way I would have liked to…
But is there really an ideal way to say goodbye anyways?
Probably not.
We had to get on a bus early this morning. I wrote a note to the girls and one of the staff said she would find them and give the letters to them. I hate that I don’t get to see them face to face.
While I was sitting in my doubtful thoughts, the enemy began to fill my heart with false suggestions like:
“You were only there for 2 weeks, what could you have possibly left behind? They see people come in and out all the time. You’re not even staying till the end of the month like the rest of the teams. How can you say you care? I bet American Missionaries are coming and going all the time…
why are you any different?”
Those suggestions began to get to me. Playing into past hurts of the old me. Past mistakes. I began to think of leaving the staff/ our friends at Love Botswana. Nombs, Reba, Onks, Pastor Gary, Elonte, B…Leaving Family…
….Wait…That is It…That is the truth.
THAT is how I knew those false suggestions that were being put in my head were LIES. Because I know those people and the way they love and how I was overcome with love for them.
I sat there and had to say,
“Satan, listen good …I have danced, I have sang, I have ran faster, jumped higher, had a faith stronger, and family GREATER than ever before…So you’re sad lies are pitiful in the GREATNESS that is to come from a month like this.
MY GOD is too great to even entertain your suggestions that I did not do enough. I AM ENOUGH IN CHRIST. THAT is all that matters.”
I’ll Admit it:
When I headed out on the race, I was so sure of the countries I was looking forward to and the ones I was excited to experience. Africa was not one I thought would leave a lasting impression for me. I thought of Africa as,
“I am excited to go their, but this is the stereotypical Christian missionary country that everyone wants to go to. The local people must be sick of that by now right?”
To be honest, I didn’t think it would be one of those”WOW” countries for me on the race…..Sounds crappy to say it here on a blog, but it is true.
But God shifted my heart
It seems to be what God does eh? He BLOWS my ideas, expectations, and plans out of the water to show His beautiful will for me against all my odds.
That is what he did with Botswana…and Now I am in over my head.
I don’t know hot to explain what this feels like. I wish I could bring you all that are reading this HERE. Here to meet these beautiful people. To see their smiles. To watch them bring life to people around them. To be a light walking in the darkness. To exude the confidence of being a child of God as their identity and reason for being on this earth. Their individual smiles and personalities that God used to bing me back to life this month in a way I would have never seen coming. He used each of these people and moments to intricately sew together this month for Me.
The Take Away:
The Lord is going to use the phrase “Go back to Botswana” over and over again in my life. I know this. It is not a literal command (as of now) to go back there, It is a feeling only I will know about. Only my heart will become full in talking about this month. The people, the worship, the music, the restoration in gifts I thought God wanted me to lose, the freedom and Joy in the redemption.
He will tell me wether I am in the desert or an overflow
“Go Back to Botswana Taylor. Remember what I did there with you. Remember my goodness in the most unlikely area. Remember how much I love you and how I brought you back to life in my love here in Botswana.”
THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING ME HERE! FOR WRECKING MY EXPECTATIONS AS PER USUAL! Thank you for using your beauty in ways I can not describe. So for the rest of my life I want to be “In over my head in your presence and love.” I want to be so confused and overwhelmed in it that I have no idea what to do but just worship you in it. Just like in Botswana, where worship could not be contained…Take me back to Botswana for the rest of my life Father.
I am Beautifully In Over My Head
