There are too many reasons to be afraid.
I’ve never really been one to be fearful. At the age of nine, I wanted to travel to Kenya, and at the age of 13 I left the country without my family to begin my life in missions. I never let fear define me. I never let anything other than God’s command be my leader.
But right now, in this moment of my life, I have a daily battle with fear. Not so much of the countries lm going to, or the people I may encounter. I’m not afraid of trying new things or getting sick or missing home. I’m afraid of not being ready. How am I suppose to prepare for an experience so unique? No one around me has done this, and there are very few who have at all. I find myself questioning so many things about myself.
Is this really what you want to do?
How can you depend on this to determine your future in missions?
Why don’t you just go to college?
It would be so much easier. It would be so much simpler.
How do you expect to pay for this?
Can you really expect others to support you for nine months?
Isn’t that shameful?
Shouldn’t you just work instead?
These are just some of the questions that flood my mind daily. And as I rise in the morning and rest at night I pray for strength to defeat these questions that are clearly not from the Lord. I have not been called to a mainstream lifestyle. And I’m learning that this calling is nothing to be afraid, ashamed, or uncertain of. That simple verse that states “If God is for us, than who can be against us” continues to repeat itself, and I’m trying my hardest to let it consume me.
These past two months without a job have caused my mind to think up the greatest kind of fear- fear that this actually isn’t my calling. That I’m not suppose to live the rest of my life overseas, reaching for and loving the lost. But God has counteracted that lie in so many ways. He has giving me countless tools and endless hours to prepare my heart, mind, and soul for the situations where he requires just a little extra trust, and a big jump into the unknown. Now I know there will never be enough for me to learn, and I will always continue to grow in the area of love and trust, but I’m trying so hard to daily take up my cross- put one foot in front of the other, and let Him teach me what I need to know when I need to know it- all the while resting in his love and assurance that this is it. This is my future, and I have nothing to be afraid of.
As my friends and family- please continue to pray for my preparation- and if you feel the Lord calling you, please consider being apart of the future He has called me to by financially supporting the work of the gospel around the world.
