This is a Journal from October 28th — turned into a blog.
Enjoy the ride (:
I am unwinding so fast. I am at the end of my rope, simply I am about to collapse. It all just hit me today when I couldn't have quite time with God. I know that God is just stretching me and making me grow and go deeper, I am trusting that He is with me every step of the day, that nothing that has happened this far without it passing through his hands. I am thirsting for alone quite time with Him. I have not been able to find much of it this month. Being sick on and off for the last three weeks, losing a place for all of my things in my room, everything is spread out between four rooms, I have been wearing else's clothes other than my own under garments, using their mattress pads, having to wait to go to bed or read until everyone goes to bed. I have lost all control and having to wait on everyone else. I didn't have my bible, journal, or book the last two days for it was in the infested bed bug room. I am being pulled so many different ways right now.
I received feedback two days ago. Everyone told me positive that I was so loving, caring, and always there for other people. But the “You can do it Taylor” was 1)to not withhold my opinions. 2) to stop putting myself last 3)be aware of my own feelings not just other people's, don't be afraid to speak it. 4) do things for myself to grow/for yourself. 5)fight for yourself like you do for others and to say no. All of the feedback is all things that I have heard before and have never fixed it. This month is making me ask people for things that I need, to depend on my team, and I am at the point where I have to tell my team what my needs are.
I need time to breathe, to be in my secret place with God away. I feel myself breaking under the weight — but I know that Jesus is carrying the weight with me and trying to get my to throw it off and throw it away. Earlier today I said I have to keep going back to hospital to make sure that I get rid of the parasites; Haley said that if I believed they would be gone in 6 days, and trusted God that they would be gone. But here I am not trusting God that he is big enough to get rid of them — I am putting God into my little box and putting limitations on Him.
In church this morning we started reading Daniel 3:13-30. As I read it I just remembered the Veggy tales episode of Nebuchadnezzar, and the chocolate bunny factory.. So Nebuchadnezzar told Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego verse 14-15 “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold that I have set up? Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”
These three guys told Nebuchadnezzar off, straight up told him what they believed and was willing to suffer what ever consequences came — because they trusted God to bring them through anything. They believed that God would keep them safe — because they trusted God, they walked out of the furnaces that the fire had not harmed them. Not even a hair was singed on their heads.
Alright God, alright, thank you for the much needed kick in the bum. I have had two love kicks in a row — both within an hour. I got it God, trust you fully. If I believe wholeheartedly that you are in complete control and that everything we experience passes through His hands. I need to trust you that you will get rid of the bed bugs and parasites. If they can trust God to save them in a burning furnace, I can trust Him to get rid of bugs (in and out of my body).
After lunch I began getting short with the team. I was to the end of my rope, I got some of my laundry back when I noticed that almost all of it was completely stained with bright blue, pink, and brown. Every piece of clothing I touched needed washed again. Tears began to fill my eyes and I was done. I was upset. It wasn't so much the laundry, it was being upset that it was one thing after another. Christina thankfully took me on a walk to vent as I cried.
We left to go see the movie pan for Gabes birthday, I decided to put my headphones in for the moto ride.(sorry mom). The music was the upbeat throw back I needed — some blink-182, Motion City Soundtrack, New Found Glory, Relient K, and Dashboard confessional. I spent time talking to God (let's be real, I was frustrated), closing my eyes and feeling free. It was the “alone time” that my soul needed. Sometimes when you talk to God and say how much you need alone time..he answers pretty fast and creates situations where you get the rest and serenity when you are surrounded by people. Riding around the beautiful city of Kigali with the wind in your hair, feeling like you are flying listening to music. It's the closest thing to driving around when you're up set (actually it is so much better).
Alright, so it's bedtime, how do I feel about everything now?
I feel so much less overwhelmed. I am still terrified of bed bugs, I am still filled with parasites, everything I brought on the race is scattered all over the house, and my bank account is low.
But do you know what?
I am claiming that the bed bugs will not go with us to Ethiopia — that they will leave our hosts house(but not with us). I am claiming that the parasites wil no longer be inside of me. That I will be healed. I am getting my stuff back slowly, and I have my things in only two places now, not 800 different places. I can reorganize everything and know where it all is easily. Eh, I don't have much money. But I have enough cash to get medication, transportation, and another Dr visit. I am blessed with more money than people here in this city. I have a roof over my head keeping me dry from the rain, I have an amazing team who has loved on me all day (and every single day). They have given me their things and taken care of me. My host family has checked on me and is striving to keep me healthy and bed bug free. I am so incredibly blessed even if I stop seeing it. I am excited to see even more what God has shown me and is doing through me.
Rwanda was more than just scheduled ministry, it was about going out and making ministry. Going out into the village, the community, the world. It's about playing with children, loving on teenage girls, dancing, freedom, sharing the gospel, leading people to give their life to Christ, spreading seeds — praying that God waters them, growing, over coming challenges and looking to God throughout it all. It's about sharing what God has done in your life, what He is doing, that He has brought me here to touch and love the people I have met.
Entering into month two, I was self conscious and scared to pray out loud…let alone preach and do door to door ministry. I now enjoy praying out loud, I am not afraid to talk about Jesus to strangers, I learned that I really enjoy preaching — that it isn't scary. This month I have learned how vital it is to love every person you come in contact with. You may be the love and connect to Jesus they need(even if they are only talking to you because you are a mzungo). That everyone needs so much love, a simple hand hold can mean the world to some of these kids. Especially kids in the village with no money for school fees, tattered clothes, covered in dirt from head to toe, who are always asking for money. To the older people who want a conversation. Everyone needs love. That hugging, tickling, counting, making faces, and laughter in the hospital waiting room not only make the kids feel better. Instead it infects every single person in the room — making everyone be filled with joy, laughter, and smiles. You need to find joy in every situation…because it is always there, and that you shouldn't let your situation/circumstances rob you of your joy.
Rwanda, you have been a month filled with so much joy, adventure, challenges, letting go, and growth. I know that I am going to look back on this month and be so thankful and look back with a huge smile on my face.
