Lately I have been struggling, feeling pretty isolated, stressed, and overwhelmed. I had not been putting my time or effort into my relationship with God, or spending time in his word and feeling pretty disconnected from God. I was getting so irritated because God was not right there. But in all reality he was there, and he always has been there. I was just putting things that were less important to me, before God and made the less important stuff a bigger priority. I went on an amazing 72 hour Emmaus walk last weekend, I was constantly being told “don’t anticipate” as we didn’t know what time, and we had no access to anyone except for those participating and serving on the walk. That meant no cell phones, no pagers, no ipods, nothing but the women on the walk.
This weekend was for those who needed God the most, and for the women who think they needed God the least. Where was I you ask? I was somewhere in the middle, I knew I needed God, especially after week I had before hand. As I arrived, my anxiety shot through the roof, I was not ready to face myself in the mirror. More importantly I was not ready to be vulnerable and face the pain I had been experiencing. I was dragging my feet, not feeling the Holy Spirit in me. But sometimes things get in the way. Not always displayed by what we do or say. I began to think that I had to much “stuff” or “baggage”, that I wouldn’t be fit to go on the World Race. I realized that that voice I heard was Satan. That to be in ministry – don’t let the fact that you are struggling keep you out of ministry. Instead I had the privilege of God shining a spot light on where I need to grow, where I need to heal from, where I need to forgive and love. I gave to God the things that had been getting in my way. I couldn’t hold onto them anymore, they were stealing my joy, my sanity, and most importantly I had let my past get in the way of my relationship with God. I learned so much to even be able to scratch the surface on this blog entry – you would be reading this for HOURS.
The first thing that God had placed on my heart that I really needed to get my priorities straight, but I needed to be able to forgive a very important person. My self. Forgiveness – we experience forgiveness of God through one another in our daily lives. If we do not forgive one another, anger and resentment will destroy the relationship. We see how badly it effects us if we do not forgive someone in our lives, but we often forget or brush under the rug the importance of forgiving yourself. If we don’t, we can feel those same emotions that destroy the relationship that we have with God and ourselves. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be who you are forgiving — it is about YOU. Forgiving is not forgetting, reconciliation or condoning a hurtful behavior, dismissing it, or passing it off. It is a personal transaction that released the offended from the offence. It is a process of growth and perspective.
I no longer felt like I couldn’t forgive myself for all the things that I have done, or that others have done to me. I don’t have to forget, but I can forgive them and finally begin to move on. Leaving that baggage behind me.
A week after finishing Emmaus I feel like I have been set free. I have seen God more in the last week than I had in the previous month. He has given me time to sit aside and be in his company. I have turned off the electronics in my life to listen to him. I am not trying to run away from the baggage I have tied to me. I am spending more time in his word, doing more devotionals, and seeing him EVERYWHERE in my life. I am so excited for what he wants to do on a daily basis. God is good and wonderful.
