I’ve been wrestling with whether I wanted to write about training camp or how I felt about training camp. After a week’s worth of processing, prayers, and advice from a friend to, “Just be honest. Write what you just told me,” I’ve decided to give it to you straight.
For the first half of the week I felt weird. I almost didn’t feel real. For whatever reason, I didn’t believe that I was going to go on the race. My mind wandered in and out of conversation… possibly reality. I had quite a few dizzy spells that made me feel like I was floating. Like I said, I felt weird.
While my squad-mates were experiencing newfound freedom emotionally, physically, in worship, in prayer, in dance, in new friendships… in God, I was in a dream-like state. Completely numb & struggling to engage. I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do to come out of it. I sought prayers from coaches, squad leaders, and teammates. I prayed to be broken down and God simply replied, “wait.” So wait, I did & waiting, I am.
I was late to lunch one day, because I was somewhat distraught over all of this, so I ended up sitting with people I hadn’t yet met. One of my tablemates (yes, I made this word up) told me I was easy to talk to, which isn’t something I had ever believed about myself & especially not this week, as I hadn’t felt enough to feel like myself. This had a huge impact on the rest of my week, though. It helped me not to focus on my lack of revelation, and instead on the relationships I was building, both with God and with my squad.
These lines from “Desert Song” by Hillsong United were brought to my mind often throughout the week: “This is my prayer in the desert, when all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need, My God is a God who provides… All of my life, in every season, You are still God and I have a reason to sing.” So I worshipped. My God, did I worship. And I praised. And I sang… a lot. Because God is worthy of worship, and praise, and song. Just because I’m not in the midst of a spiritual breakthrough doesn’t mean God isn’t working, and it certainly doesn’t mean He isn’t good.
