what if i go?

i really need to blog more. i don’t really know what to talk about yet. i’m sure i will have a lot to share once i leave, though. ha! as for now, i will just have to let you into my thoughts on preparation.

 

some days i am terribly excited and ready to leave and others, i am awfully nervous and wary. from what i can tell by reading blogs posted by my team, i think this up and down, back and forth, is normal. i don’t think i’m scared to leave so much as i am going to miss what i am leaving behind. life is absolutely going to continue for the people i love, even though i won’t be here. of course i wouldn’t want them to pause their stories until i can return home and can be a part of them again, anyway. i just keep thinking about all of the things that can, and will, happen that i won’t be around for. that i won’t be able to experience with people. that i won’t be a part of. what if my best friend falls in love? when will i get to meet my fourth niece who is to be born this summer? what will my mom do when she needs to change the light bulbs above the kitchen sink? what happens to the new friendships i have made? what if people forget about me? and seriously, when will i get to see eclipse? all of this seems very vain and selfish when i really think about it, and it seems that way because it is. i have been called to abandon my sense of self and serve a greater purpose than anything i could have dreamed up on my own. and not simply for 11 months on the world race, but every day before, during, and after. the other day i was thinking about all of this while listening to the radio. z88.3 was on and someone read a couple of verses from the following passage that reminded me that my life isn’t about people knowing who i am, but making sure that people know who God is and that He loves them.

“Do not think that I
came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to
‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies
will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than Me
is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is
not worthy of Me. And
he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will
lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” – Matthew 10: 34-39 

another thing i have been thinking about is the person who will return from the world race in 11 months. what will have changed in me and what will stay the same? how will my friends and family have changed? which relationships will no longer exist as a result of these changes? what will my work and school life look like? obviously, all of these questions are impossible to answer until the 11 months are actually over, and there isn’t a whole lot of sense in dwelling on them considering that i haven’t even left yet! i’m just anxious for absolutely everything. for the good, and for the bad.

 

“We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established
the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be
a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it? It might be time for you to
go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word
for you: Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a
beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have
always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been
alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It
is you who will have changed.” – Donald Miller , Through Painted Deserts