Over the past month my teammates, two in particular, have spoken truth and encouragement over me in a particular area of my life. It’s funny how you can be unaware of certain insecurities in your heart until someone calls out greatness in those very issues. That is where I have been for a while now . . . for about 22 years, to be exact. I’ve never thought I was perfect and have rarely even thought that I had my life together; but for the most part I have told myself that I am confident in who I am. But these last few weeks have shown me that my confidence has been misplaced and circumstantial for the better part of my life. This is mostly because I have placed my identity and worth in the wrong people/things.
I know that sharing part of my testimony in this way might seem odd to some, since my blogs usually do not reflect such insight in regards to my story. But for those that have been with me in this growing process, you understand how much the Lord has done in me and the vulnerability that has ensued. My point is this, I am going to share some of my past and how God has been redeeming me from the lies that I believed for so long. If you are looking for some exciting updates or colorful pictures, you might want to go read someone else’s blog now. This is a story of my crap . . . and Abba’s new creation in my life. This information is shared so that people can read it and relate to it; but most of all it’s given so that my Daddy can get all the glory for His redeeming love.
Here we go . . .
As a kid I was never very well liked (at least in my opinion). This was partly because I tended to be a jerk to receive attention, but I thought I wouldn’t receive it any other way. I don’t know which came first, but once I started “acting up” to get attention it became a vicious cycle. People didn’t like me so I was a jerk, so people didn’t like me, etc. Once I started getting a little older this particular behavior was a little harder to keep up. There is something about a 14 year old pushing other kids to the ground that doesn’t go over as well as a 6 year old doing the same thing. I guess that’s understandable.
Consequently, I started to try and find my place again. But coming from a mindset that I had to prove myself to be noticed, turning into a “good boy” wasn’t first on my list. So I became an athlete. I picked up both running and Ultimate Frisbee around this time and it took a few years for running to become my obsession but Frisbee caught on rather quickly. This particular sport was just making its entrance into my community around then, so it gave me the chance to earn an advantage since no one was great at it yet. I played as much as I could; after church on Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night. I would invite people to play and teach anyone interested just to get enough players to create my platform.
I played enough to get good at it, or at least better than the other players (mostly kids in my age range). I was a bad sport, even when I was winning. I would smack talk and tear others down to make myself feel good. As I got older it got worse. The better I became the worse my attitude was towards the competition. But this is where I found my confidence and security. People didn’t have to “like” me as long as I thought they “respected” me, or at least my Frisbee skills.
Over the next few years I started to enjoy running competitively and my talent, as well as the (rather large) fact that there wasn’t much competition on a Junior High level, drove me to become obsessive with racing. I breezed through my first 2 years in Jr. High competition and by the time I reached High School I was ready to take on anyone. I usually won and that fed my ego. I remember getting 2nd place in the mile one time when I was 16 . . . one time. It made me so mad/depressed that I would let someone beat me. And it didn’t happen again until I got to Nationals my senior year.
I would run 4-5 events every meet and win all of them. In my last year I was just racing my own times in the mile. At this point I was so “confident” in myself that I didn’t care what people thought. I loved the attention I got from people for being fast, even if it was just the disgruntled looks from opposing teams/coaches as I cruised in a lap ahead of the competition. If someone didn’t like me I shrugged them off, I had the blue ribbons.
But none of this changed the fact that I was still just looking for attention from people. Even though I said I didn’t care what people thought, I did. This was my “more mature” way of seeking attention. I still wanted people to like me; the running just allowed me to fall back on my accomplishments anytime there was a threat of getting hurt by someone. Multiple times people walked out of my life when things were tough, and that just gave validity to my opinion that the only thing people liked about me was my accomplishments. My identity was in what people thought of me and that was running. So I was a runner.
Once I got to college I continued to pursue running. Although I set new personal records I wasn’t the best, so I was sent searching again. See, running only gave me confidence before because I was the BEST. Now I was just average, granted I was faster than anyone who knew me before; but now I was just another member of the collegiate team. So I needed a new identity.
I pursued relationships. I pursued work. I needed a new way to prove myself. I even started serving a lot in church, 2 churches actually. I would do anything to feel like I was needed by someone, anyone. Once I came on the World Race I was sure (again) that I was confident in my identity. But the truth is I was just happy that no one knew who I was so that I could start something new. I could be the “good guy” now. I didn’t have to be the “Frisbee player” or the “runner” or the “pastor’s kid.” I could be someone that people actually needed . . . or perhaps even be someone that people wanted.
That brings us to this month . . .
At first I just appreciated my teammates’ encouragement like I’ve learned to accept any encouragement this year; with a smile and a thank you. But then I realized a pattern, they were speaking into my future, and they were speaking into life things I hadn’t had enough faith to believe were actually true. They didn’t coordinate their words for special effect, it wasn’t forced; but over the course of 4 weeks I’ve realized that these women really believe what they are speaking into me.
Throughout my whole life I’ve wanted to be recognized and more than that I’ve wanted to be desired. Especially in the last few years I’ve (unknowingly) wanted a woman to need me. Whether a friend or sister or even a significant other, I’ve wanted to be pursued by a female who appreciated who I am. But I’ve spent my whole life chasing things that I thought could define me and I never stopped to see that I was already being pursued.
My sisters in Christ have unintentionally called me to higher ground. Because of the simple truths that they believe about me, I no longer have to pursue people or things to find identity. Christ is my identity. The following declaration is my public confession of lies I have believed and my acceptance of who I actually am.
Declaration:
I am not overlooked. I am not insignificant. I am not ugly. I am not desperate. I am not forgotten. I am not worthless. I am not abandoned. I am not going to spend this life alone wondering why no one is attracted to me.
I am noticed. I am irreplaceable. I am needed. I am loved. I am valuable. I am good looking. I am desirable. I am worth pursuing. I will spend the rest of my life with a godly woman who is crazy about me. 😉
The false sense of humility I’ve been carrying around was really just a cover up for not wanting to get hurt while reaching for greatness. I don’t have to pretend I’m something I’m not. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. God created me for a unique purpose and a one of a kind woman (she’ll find me someday). I don’t have to pretend that I don’t deserve any of that. I don’t deserve anything but by the grace of God I have an AMAZING life ahead of me. J Thank you Jesus!
All by His grace and for His glory,
Tanner Hubbard
