I have to admit that I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately.
I haven’t wanted to pray.
To spend time with the Lord.
I’ve felt lonely, pushed out by my team.
Some team members have completely withdrawn while two others seem to pull closer together and the other from my perspective, goes back and forth between the two groups, trying to keep the peace.
And frankly I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of pretenses and appearance.
I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong.
I’ve even felt that way for a long time, not just this month.
One friend from home even wrote me, months ago, that maybe this year isn’t about me getting along or being apart of a team and feeling included.
Maybe this year is about God and me.
I took those words in but didn’t want to acknowledge them too much.
Didn’t want to look at this as a year with just solely me and God. I knew that it would be a journey with God but thought that I would connect with somewhat like minded people or at least become friends with my teammates.
T
his month I have come to realize that I’m not as close to the Lord as I want to be.
I feel like I’m in a constant battle within myself.
Sometimes I even feel distanced from Him.
This month I have felt empty and drained in every way.
Little things that keep coming up within others seem to be intensified.
I’ve fought feeling like I’m judgemental, that I’m looking at the speck in others eyes.
Even though I’ve not been “praying” I feel like I’ve had this constant dialogue with the Lord and most of the time it hasn’t been all roses.
I’ve asked him to point out those things that I need to work on.
Fought and cried about why I’m seeing those things in my teammates.
Questioning whether those things are in me as well. And asking him why I notice these things, because I don’t want to. I’ve prayed for more grace and not cheap grace.
I’m tired of cheap grace.
Of letting things slide because it might offend someone or that someone could become angry with me because of what I say.
I’m tired of caring what others think and fighting to not let things bother me.
I’m tired and I’m done with it.
Maybe that’s where the Lord wants me to be in order to depend on him and know him at a deeper level.
I heard someone say this month, which side of the veil are you on.
This statement really made me think. Which side of the veil with God am I on?
Am I on the side that chooses intimacy with God or the side that stands at a distance?
I really had to think about this for several days actually.
I thought that I was already on the side with intimacy with God but this past month have felt so far and at a distance from the Lord.
Debrief came and one of our leaders spoke on Moses and how the Lord called him and the people up the mountain (Exodus 19-20).
In 20:18 it says “When the people heard the thunder and the loud blast of the ram’s horn, and when they saw the flashes of lightning and the smoke billowing from the mountain,
they stood at a distance trembling in fear”
Again in verse 21 ”
And the people stood in the distance, Moses approached the dark cloud where God was”
The people stood at a distance.
I came to the realization last night that I know without a doubt I do not want to stand at a distance.
I want the intimacy with God.
I want to go up on the mountain with the Lord and go beyond the veil.
I choose those things.
I choose to not stand back, despite what may come.
I know that I will face struggles and that there will be other times like this month.
But I want to know when I stand before the Lord that I know him and more importantly he knows me.
Where do you want to be?
Will you choose to go up the mountain?
Which side of the veil do you choose?
I pray that you choose intimacy with the Lord.
