We left Pattaya on Sat, Oct 6th for debrief in Bangkok starting Tuesday, Oct 9th. The days before leaving and since being in Bangkok I’ve begun to realize and put into words the struggles I’ve had this last month. The past 30 days have very easily been my hardest yet, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve searched to know the underlying issues, not just recognize the aggravations. Most of my issues seem to stem from needing to find a healthy balance in my independence. I’m too independent in areas that I feel are more private and not independent enough in areas that are more public. In dealing with this and other issues, I have reacted in ways that are more damaging than not. I have kept things to myself taking weeks to even admit them to God and then a small circle of friends and family. Only by God’s graces and mercy I was able to find rejuvenation during the ministries we had been partnered with. I would feel alive when helping the Thai women learn English, but after they left most often my joy went with them. Each day I felt various combinations of being unhappy, lonely, disconnected, oppressed, dispaired, and isolated. All of us to some degree had felt these emotions while living in Pattaya. [We as Christians are foolish to ignore the spiritual battles around us…] Our team is convinced this town was covered by such an evil presence that we were allowed to feel what so many of Pattaya’s population and visitors feel. We used these feelings to know how to pray for the city, but individually…I let it get to me. What plagued me the most was that somehow during the month I felt as though I had lost my voice and forgot how to pray.
