As we went into this next month in Thailand I dreaded it. My team was told we would be working with Lighthouse in Action in Chiang Mai, Thailand, which is an awesome ministry…but we would be with the whole squad. Instantly I was crippled and my face just fell. I didn’t want to be with the whole squad. I had a hard time at training camp, launch, and even was still holding back from my team. I know what I’m like and am always social, but with these 51+ people I feared them without totally knowing it, but I did know something was off. Tuesday night at worship and service God spoke to me. Then the squad was asked to proclaim there fears and the freedom from them. I knew I should go up but I could not as fear was crippling me. My fear was the very thing I would be going up and staring back at. I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. I knew i would lose it up there and bawl my eyes out. I was already crying silently but at least the attention wasn’t on me. So I pulled it together and went about my night and the next day just like anyone would pushing and controlling my fears down to where I could forget about them.
As it turned out on Wednesday I had a one-on-one with Erin (a squad leader who’s been on the race before) and I didn’t really have any idea how it would go. I didn’t really know her and I don’t like one on ones. Normally i wouldn’t sign up but I felt like I should do one with her. I ended up blurting out things that I had no idea where I was going with it and that I hadn’t wanted to say. She challenged me to come out with my fears that night in front of the squad. I was like darn it I had a gut feeling something like this would happen. I didn’t want to cry and humiliate/embarrass myself. She told me that before we had even talked and I sat down she got the word “speak”, and a couple weeks before Katie (another squad leader) wrote down for me “speak” as well but I just discarded it. That night at worship and service I knew what the challenge was but I couldn’t do it. What was the right moment? Erin said it would come and to just go up and make it. I told God I can’t go up there. If this is what you want me to do tell someone to call me out and it can’t be someone that knows me which i thought was pretty easy since no one really did except erin, but I also thought meh it won’t happen. Then one of the guys went up and talked about how there is someone or someones in this room that didn’t declare freedom over there fears last night and now was the time. Oh no this is happening. I started sweating, pacing, my nerves were on fire and I was shaking. I didn’t want to cry but God was giving me peace and I was doing calming breathing exercises. Took me awhile but I slowly went up and turned and was looking at my fear. I started crying and couldn’t speak. I declared that night Freedom from the fear of Christians, Freedom from the fear of their rejection and judgement. And spoke these words that God gave me the night before:
Daughter I brought you up for this very purpose to speak and proclaim my word. I gave you specifically a voice of power. So speak and I will raise you up. Don’t be afraid don’t hold back your gift is needed. To share what I gave you to my world. The tree of life that wells up in me and grows out is for all who dare to see what I have in store for thee. Walk out and be bold in my name. Stand strong. Whom shall I fear. I’m here.
I was free from my crippling and I was healed by God in that proclamation!
I am so relieved and so much better, but it is an every day proclamation until it fully disappears. The devil has no hold over me and I just kicked the footstool out from under him and he’s not getting it back!
God spoke to me today (thursday) and said this:
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are so loved that you can’t even begin to grasp the love I have for you. I made you in the perfect image I wanted you in. You have the courage and the strength for what I’m about to do.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
I never thought I would get a tattoo but yes this did just happen. I always thought tats were cool but I didn’t want one neither did I have anything i would want on me for the rest of my life. Thanks to my team there supporting me! and to Madison and Cali for holding my hand and distracting me as I hate needles. Trust Me were the first words I heard God speak to me when I was 17 and it’s a continual reminder to trust him in all things just like it says in the bible. The Thai word is speak as I declared that here in Thailand and it’s been a word spoken over me all of my life. The cross is for Jesus and a reminder that my life centers around Him for eternity. I can’t believe I just got a tattoo! sorry mom and dad but I really thought this one through.
Love from Thailand!-Tabitha
