God has put something on my heart to blog about for a while now, but I’ve been saying no. No is never really an answer God deals with well…because you know He knows what is best for me in my life. So to be obedient to Him I am going to tell you a story. Well not just any story, my story. And not actually my story but the story that God has given me. Putting my testimony out there for whoever on God’s green planet can read is a bit scary, but it seems like it is time. So please bear with me because it is kinda long, but it is good I promise 😉
I was born into a loving Christian family as the younger of two children. As far back as I can remember I attended church…although I do have to admit my earlier years were spent mostly under the pews either sleeping or playing haha. I was home schooled most of my primary grades all the way u to high school. When high school came around my family moved from Corbin Kentucky to Mount Carmel Tennessee. This was a big move for us because it was pretty far away from where we were and that meant I would have to start high school without knowing any one…not to mention my social graces were a bit limited after being with just my brother for the last several years haha. I got picked on when I was a freshman by kids in my class, but after they realized the teachers stood up for me even when I wouldn’t say what happened they left me alone the rest of my career there.
Of course since we moved my family and I had to find a new church. The one we found was a nice Southern Baptist church with a good sized youth group too. I liked youth group, and was very active in it for a while. I was totally into Jesus at that time. I never partied or cussed…I was the token “good kid” in high school. Life was starting to get into a good flow when all of the sudden because of one misunderstanding I thought my life crumbled.
In my awesome youth group there turned out to be a not so awesome rumor floating around about me. I found this out because one Wednesday night I went to youth bible study and no one would talk to me or even sit beside me really. I was really confused by this because I didn’t know anything was wrong. It took me about another week and a half to figure out what was going on. One of the younger girls in our group ended up telling me that one of the more popular girls in the group started a rumor saying that I was gay. She had told the group that one morning before puppet ministry with the little kids I looked at her in a weird way which she took as me checking her out and so told everyone that I liked her and that I was gay. Cue my world crashing in a burning fire…now that might sound a little dramatic but when you are 14 and something like this happens it is dramatic haha. After I found out I closed down and put up so many walls of hurt. I never told anyone in the group I knew what had happened and they never talked to me about it. I didn’t tell anyone, especially not my parents (which in hindsight was a BIG mistake). After about another week the rest of the youth started treating more normal, but never the same as before. I just locked away the pain and hurt and hoped it wouldn’t bother me again. I was of course very wrong in that assumption. By holding onto that pain I allowed myself to become insecure in my identity and more closed off to the rest of the world. After a while I got really good at playing the game of “looking like I’m all good on the outside when I was broken on the inside” look. And not long after that whole thing happened (less than a year) my church split. More hurt. At that point I was getting angry and bitter. Bitter at the church because I felt like it was full of hypocrites and liars, and angry at God for allowing all of this hurt to reach me.
I was so excited to run off to college away from feuding church, fake friends, and away from my problems. Yeeeah that didn’t work at all…well at least the running from the pain and problems didn’t. It actually seemed like my pain and insecurity followed closely on my tail as I started college. When I got there I avoided anything to do with any kind of church completely. I didn’t associate myself as a Christian anymore. I allowed people that would be a bad influence on me become my friends. None of my roommates were Christians and actually one of them was struggling with homosexuality at the time and ended up coming out while we were living together. That was a surprise to the whole dorm room. The thing is that I was a good friend with this girl, and stayed good friends for a long time. I started going to parties with her and her new friends. Several times at these parties I had girls come up to me and ask if I had a girlfriend or wanted to go out sometime. This really REALLY bothered me. They had no idea about my past or what I was insecure about and they were assuming I was gay too. Cue another freak out time. I started thinking if these people saw this in me without even questioning me then maybe it is true. I went through a period of questioning my sexual orientation and going deeper into that world. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy some of the friends and things that went on during that time, but most of it was just blah. Lots of parties, drinking, and smoking. I had a mouth as dirty as a sailor with f-bombs here and there. I had pretty much fully accepted the identity that was given to me by the world…that I was a lesbian.
The problem I came across was that even though I had accepted this identity and felt like I was finally fitting in and being able to be loved for myself that I was unhappy. I came to a point of being so discontent that I stopped going to parties or if I was dragged to one I wouldn’t really drink I would just sit there. I felt so lost during that time. Nothing I had tried in life up to that point had made me happy…not the Christian life of my earlier years and not the lifestyle of a homosexual. Also during this time was the beginning of a new semester in college. One of the classes I had I met this strange girl. This girl was someone that I would normally avoid like the plague…she was a Christian girl. You could see that a mile away, and that’s normally as close as I would care to get. However, she ended up being in my class and even sitting beside me. Something about her personality and how she treated people around her intrigued me. She didn’t seem like the horrible Christian people I remembered from my past…I actually enjoyed talking with her. Her name is Emily and we became friends. In this friendship she showed me a pure love that I had never experienced before, and it was certainly straight from God. We had many conversations about church and stuff. I would always tell her “been there done that” when she came back to the Christian deal. I also told her that after all that I had done in my life and was doing there is no way on earth that God could still love me and forgive me because I had heard so many times from Christians and churches that being gay was the worst sin in the book (a horrible lie!).
I eventually decided I would tell her my story and why I thought myself to be unforgivable. After she patiently sat through about a four hour conversation I waited for her to pass judgment on me. She didn’t. It blew my mind. She was still willing to love me despite everything I had just told her. So our friendship grew more after that. I was in a horrible place during that time still struggling through the depression. All during that time she was loyal and quietly persistent about the subject of God. Looking back on it now I can totally see God pursuing me through that friendship with Emily. He was presenting himself in a form that I would accept. And I thank God that she was willing to show His love through herself to me. After basically a whole semester I let all of her talk about God and God himself calling to me and I finally broke down. I woke up one night around 4AM and just knew it was time to get my life right with God, and I did. I told Him absolutely everything, everything, and He still loved me anyways. It blows my mind to this very day, but I can’t help but be extremely grateful to Him for chasing after me until I turned around. I also feel like I should tell you that at this point I was nowhere near having my life “together” quite the opposite actually. So please please don’t ever think that you need to get your life all straightened up before you come back to God because you don’t. After coming back to God I turned awayfrom my old lifestyle immediately and drastically. No more identity found in the world, no more parties, no more cussing, no more drinking or smoking, and no more hanging out with the people that were a bad influence on me (and please don’t take this as I am now a homophobic or something because I’m definitely not. I just couldn’t continue living like I was)…it was a hard transition to say the least, but God helped me through it. I've rejected the lies spoken over me about me being a homosexual and am working on making my life a reflection of Christ and His love.
One thing about coming back to God is that He forgives you so much easier than you forgive yourself. It took me a long time to forgive myself of what I had done. To actually allow myself to be completely free from those lies spoken over my life. I actually am still learning what full freedom from this past is like, but I think it’s going pretty good. I got a lot of healing from attending a Chrysalis/crossroads walk (a Christian leadership retreat) and learning how to release hurts and lies. I met some amazing people that I hope to never forget, but I still had healing to do that I didn’t realize at the time. God revealed to me that I needed to get more healing from it by telling my parents about all that had happened. I totally thought I was going to have a heart attack over that one but I didn’t, and I actually did tell them about it. It felt good to get it out there, and they loved me same afterwards too.
And just recently God has shown me that I need freedom from the shame of telling my story. Mainly because it isn’t my story…it’s His. And because it is His story then I have no right to hold it in and be ashamed of it. I should really be rejoicing with everyone that I can the amount of grace that God has given and telling people that they can be given the same amount.
So here is to freedom…complete freedom from shame of my past life.
There is no God like my God! I am so thankful to Him for His sacrifice on the cross and for taking away my shame and washing away my impurities with His innocent blood.
Happy Easter guys! Please think about the ways God has shown you grace in your life and ask for freedom from it if you need it, and then share it!
