Sometimes, you have to have one of those real, raw conversations with God. Today was one of those days. I was under attack. Whispers from the enemy were penetrating the walls of my heart, and I started to believe his lies. Sure, every woman struggles with insecurity at times. I’ve been haunted by insecurities for most of my life. As a child, I was painfully shy and scared of new people. I was afraid to order for myself in restaurants. As a teenager, I never thought I measured up to the beautiful, smart, athletic girls in my class. I didn’t think I was worth anything if I didn’t hold the attention of the boys. During college and after, this blossomed into insecurities in the workplace, and in large groups of people I felt lost and like I didn’t belong.
I lived for 25 years not knowing that there was any other way to live. Until one day, God took me by the shoulders and gently shook some sense into me. That is NOT how God calls me to live. It’s not how He calls any of us to live. More than anything, God wants His children to live in full confidence of their identity in Him. When we have Christ in our hearts, we are a new creation. We are beautiful and clean and forgiven in His eyes—the only eyes that truly matter.
And when I finally realized this—REALLY, fully grasped the full weight of what it means to be a beloved child of God, it changed everything. I became more confident. I quit worrying what other people thought of me so much. I realized that God ordained a specific purpose for my life, and He placed a unique dream in my heart that He wanted me to chase after. And even though I have faults and sin in my life, He still wants to use me. Even little old me. He uses the weak ones to glorify Himself. He used Moses with his stutter, He used David though he was vertically challenged, He wants to use me despite my lack of belief in myself.
The Lord allowed me to conquer my past insecurities. He spoke truth into my heart that finally penetrated, and I started to really believe it. But that doesn’t mean the war is over. Satan still exists. And he knows how to hit me where it hurts. Today, I was blindsided by a major attack, and I ran straight to my Heavenly Daddy to seek his aid.
“Father, too often I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. I see awful suns pots on my forehead, brown roots in my hair, and thighs that are too big. I wish I didn’t see myself this way. Lord, could you give me your eyes to see myself? I think I look pretty good when I’ve got a layer or two of mascara and concealer and stylish clothes, but on the Race I am naked. I wear frumpy clothes that cover my shape, and makeup usually sweats right off in the African heat. Hairdryers and straighteners are but a distant memory. My blemishes are on full display, and my all-carb African diet isn’t helping my situation.
Lord, you say you’re enthralled with my beauty, but I don’t understand that. I want to believe it, but how? You see past my outward appearance and straight to my heart. But I wonder how your think that is beautiful at all. I think such ugly thoughts, and my heart is tainted by my sin. How do you love the sinner? How do you love a thing that you created with your own hands, but who turns and runs from you, betrays you day after day after day?
I can’t seem to grasp a love that deep, that perfect. Could you help me get there? Lord, more than anything I want to understand how high and wide and long and deep your love is. Lord, help your truth to penetrate my heart. I don’t want to fight my insecurities anymore, You’ve already won that battle. Lord, guard my heart against the attacks of the enemy. Be my strong fortress.
I’ve asked you before for a new set of eyes to see others the way you see them, but now I need your eyes so I can see myself. I can’t wait to be in Heaven with my new skin and new body that is perfect, unblemished, just as you intended me to be.
“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth… Behold the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people… He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And He who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’” –Revelation 21:1-5
God, thank you that you are making me new. Until that day, take the film from my eyes so I could see myself clearly as you see me. I want to be beautiful, inside and out. I want to make you stand amazed. I want to hear you say that you are well-pleased with me, that my beauty enthralls you, that I am enough.
Help me live a life that is glorifying to you, that reflects your beauty. Continue the work that you’ve begun in my heart, chiseling away the ugly and leaving only the beautiful parts, the parts that are of you.
Thank you for loving me, Father, even in my imperfection. I love you, my Lord.”
P.S. This purpose of this post was not to have a pity party or to fish for compliments… I just felt I should share what was on my heart as of late and what the Lord is teaching me. 🙂
Guys! I made it to MONTH 11 on the World Race!! I am here in the capital city of Lilongwe, Malawi, and it is an amazing city. We made it here at about 3 am on Monday morning after leaving Dar es Salaam, Tanzania at 6 am Saturday morning. We spent 2 days straight on a bus!
Highlights: We slept on the bus Saturday night at the border between the two countries because the border was closed until 8 am. There was a giant rat that was living the the overhead luggage compartment that was literally pick up with our friend Jordan's bare hand and tossed out the window. And somehow… all of that was just another day on the Race. It wasn't ideal, but I didn't complain, because it could have been worse!
Lilongwe, where we are living this month, is great!! Everyone here is incredibly friendly, and oddly enough we don't really get yelled at all that much like we did in Tanzania. We have electricity (unless it goes out on occasion) and we have beds! Cold showers though, and it's actually pretty chilly here at night.
See you all, oh-so-soon!!
