Power, Beauty, Boldness.

It's been a bit. But a lot has happened in me. I am at the tail end of training camp for my trip. This week I met 55 of my squad-mates, the people who I will be launching with to go on the World Race in October. I was stretched and challenged in ways I hadn't expected. Here are my thoughts from day three of training:

Yesterday, I felt so heavy, so exhausted, so sick to my stomach. I don't know if it was the food, the three days without sleep, or just being overwhelmed with an intense couple of daysof training camp. When I finally got the courage to get up from a time of prayer and tell one of my trainers how I was feeling, I was feeling so sick and didn't know what God was even asking me to pray for. What are you trying to tell me God? What do I need to work through so I can be prepared for the race? My mind was blank. So I asked my trainer what I should do, thinking she'd tell me to go to bed early–which is the only thing i wanted to do. Instead, she took me aside and prayed over me, and all of a sudden another girl joined her–someone I knew! Emily, the World Racer who is a pretty huge reason why I'm going. 

Emily and I were in my best friend Callie's wedding together two years ago. When I expressed to Callie I had been considering missions, she sent me the link to the World Race website and Emily's blog. Let me just tell you, the World Race was NOT in my plan. I never used to even believe God could use someone like me on the mission field. Why would He? I'm a mess, I'm insecure, I tend to be reserved, I've never felt like my faith was anything that could move mountains. But I explored the WR website, and I saw all of these amazing countries I could go to, countries that need to know the love of God, and something started stirring in my heart. I followed Emily's blog through countries in Africa and Asia, and I grew more and more excited, more confirmed with every post I read. 

Whoa, God, you're really calling me to an 11-month mission trip?? Could I really leave my job, my family, my home, my friends for that long? But He said "YES." HE asked me to be obedient to the call. I said, "…ok… but if this is where you want me, God, you have to make it happen." And oh my, how He has. 

Somehow, I'm at about 42% of my support goal. What?? I can't even believe the ways God has worked. He is so good, so faithful, such a perfect Provider.

And I find myself here, in the middle of the hills of East Tennessee, my neck of the woods, where I should be comfortable, in my element, rejoicing to be in the presence of so many amazing believers. But I'm exhausted and sick and wondering what the heck I'm doing here, if this is even where I need to go. 

But when Emily and Stacey prayed over me, something changed. Not immediately, but slowly, my stomach pains began to recede, the pounding in my head began to grow dull. As they prayed I knew there were some things I needed to overcome. And the words that kept popping in my mind where ANXIETY and SLEEPLESSNESS. 

For those who know me well, you know I haven't been able to sleep through the night since about November last year. I have prayed and prayed and seen doctors and taken medicine, and nothing seems to help. So, nine months later, I'm at the point of giving up. I don't know what it is that keeps me up at night. I had resigned myself to just not sleeping for 11 months while I'm overseas. But how could I do God's work when I'll only toss and turn in my tent or cot or Lord knows where else, with little ability to re-energize?

 

Well, God put sweet Emily there to speak some encouragement and truth into me that night. I lied down on a picnic table bench, and she put a cold pack on my aching head and spoke into me all the awesome things God has in store. And I believe her.

 

I slept amazingly that night, woke up refreshed, and that was good, because God had some pretty incredible things in store. Through one of the speakers that day, God showed me how much I have been craving the Holy Spirit in my life. Craving to hear His voice. I want the power of the Spirit to work through me, that I might be used in powerful ways next year.

 

After the speaker, we entered into a time of prayer, where several of my trainers prayed over me, and I felt a change. A pure joy came over me. I I felt like I wanted to dance and sing and run and jump. I knew the time had come for me to let go of my anxiety and walk forward in confidence, filled with the joy of the Lord and expectant for all the amazing things God has in store for me on the Race. He showed me I have a voice, I am beautiful, there is a boldness in me that is ready to come OUT.

 

So, here I am. I'm all in, God. I'm ready for You to use me. I can't wait to see how You're going to move. Let's go!!

 

My B-Squadmates, right after a pretty intense dance-off. Love, love, love these people.