I haven’t written a blog in 2 and a half months now…. Oops.
And I have news: I’m going home early! For those of you who have read my blogs for the entire race, prayed for me, cried with me, and supported me, you all deserve to know why.
More than a year ago, I decided to apply for the race because I felt this strong desire to “find what is out there.” I had this idea in my head that unless you were a pastor, or a missionary, or doing mission work for you career, then you weren’t a good enough Christian. I never said that out loud, and I’m not sure I ever really knew I believed it. But I was very aware of the fact that I felt like my desire for teaching was not “good enough” for God. And I think this lie came from the fact that the world doesn’t view teaching as “good enough” at times either. I mean we all love teachers but they’re no doctors, engineers, or lawyers… right?
Lies that aren’t called into the truth can only hold off for so long for before they begin to eat away at us.
So I left my dreams of teaching behind and pursued the race instead.
And I tried to put off thinking about teaching for as long as I could. You want to know how long that lasted? Less than 2 months. That’s right. Two months into the race, I got an email asking if I would be interested in coaching and teaching at a high school close to home. Mind you, this email came 6 months before schools should even be thinking about teachers for the following year. So what did I do? I sent a polite response back saying I was flattered, but I didn’t know where I’d be in a year. So month 3 gets hers, and here’s another email from a different school. I still ignored the issue at hand.
So month 4 comes, and I decide I’ve actually gotta start facing this fear of teaching and figure some things out. Through some tough conversations with my teammates about it, one of them looked at me and asked the question, “Do you believe you have to be suffering in order to serve God?” Ummm yes? Isn’t that what Christianity is about? Carrying your cross, selling your possessions, the last shall be first… isn’t that what living for God is about?
By month 5, I sunk into a pretty deep darkness about it. I kept asking God questions, and going deeper and deeper into the heart of the issue before I finally made the conclusion: I didn’t believe God desires my happiness. So month 5 turned into a month of pursuing the true view of God.
And this is what I found:
John 10:11 – I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Of course, there’s more, but that about sums it up. My Savior is a good, good Father. He loves me, cherishes me, and WANTS to give me the desires of my heart. So why wouldn’t I allow Him to?
Month 6 I started pursuing the teaching opportunities that had been placed in front of me. Month 7 I applied, month 8 I accepted a position knowing that would mean I go home after month 10.
So yes, I am leaving 3 weeks early for teaching. But I am not leaving early for a job, I’m leaving early to answer my calling. I came on the race to discover what God desired of my life. What I found was that God desires what I desire, because He lives in me, and He created those desires and placed them in me before I was born. The race is a place that can launch you into your next phase of life, if you let it. Why would I allow the race (11 months) to hold me back from my lifelong calling?
For those of you who doubt that this is the right decision, just know you aren’t the first. I’ve heard everything from “Don’t you think if this is from God, He will give you another opportunity in a year?” to “I’m not sure someone can commit to a marriage if they can’t even keep an 11 month commitment.” And if you still have questions, I invite you to ask me about it. I’d love to share my heart on it, because it’s something I really believe in. But ultimately, this is between me and God. This is my life. And I can promise this is the right decision for me.
And how do I know I’m not using this as an excuse to back out of the race early? Because God told me during month 8 that I could go home.
Cambodia, month 8, was downright terrible for me. Cambodia has my blood, sweat, and tears. I actually have emotional AND physical scars from Cambodia. I hated it there. I didn’t know God created a place on earth as hot as Hell must be. I could continue, but you get the picture. I am 100% serious when I say that if it wasn’t for the fact that my parents had tickets to Africa to come see me at the beginning of month 9 for PVT, there is a really good chance I would’ve gone home halfway through Cambodia.
I was absolutely over the race. I didn’t want community anymore, I didn’t want decisions to be made for me anymore, and I wanted to never sweat another drop in my life. EVER. And then… God told me I could leave it, and He would bless that decision. He told me I could leave even earlier than at the end of month 10, if that would make me happy.
But the thing is, I want to be here– for now. The friendships I’ve made on the race – they are worth spending all 11 months in Cambodia. As hard as this race has been, I don’t regret it. I’m going into a career now, knowing that 20 years down the road I won’t question if this is for me. I also know I don’t have to stay in that career for 20 years if I don’t want to. I’ve learned more about myself in 10 months than I could have in 3 years at home. My perceptions on God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have been rocked, not to mention my perceptions on the world!
Did I need to go on the race to learn teaching was okay? Maybe not. Maybe I could’ve just started teaching and learned that myself. But that’s the great thing about our God: He will bless whatever decision you make. He blessed my decision to go on the race, and He will bless my decision to leave early.
So there it is. See ya in 4 weeks, America!
