This month on the race has by far been my toughest. My favorite! But definitely the toughest. At the end of last month, God asked me to further my state of abandonment. He reminded me that I didn’t really give up much to be here. I didn’t leave an education, a career, or a house. In fact, the timing of this trip worked out pretty conveniently for me. The only things I really abandoned were friends, family, and my boyfriend. But I hadn’t really abandoned them because each time I had wifi, there they were. So God asked me to let them go. To stop all communication with them. For how long? Two months. The idea was terrible – I cried for a whole day. But I knew it was for the best.
So at the start of month three I said goodbye to my parents and my boyfriend (again), and my two month fast from home began. The process of abandonment began.
In Kingdom Journeys (If you are a future or current racer and haven’t read this book – you need to!) Seth Barnes says this about abandonment:
You have to stay away from home long enough for old habits to wither. Abandonment has to feel complete – you have to lose sight of the shore and feel the violent ocean waves rock your helpless little boat.
By still talking with my parents, boyfriend, sisters, and friends every chance I got I wasn’t losing sight of the shore. I would process through things with my boyfriend instead of God. I relied on my parents to help me feel like I was still a part of home by them sending me detailed updates about life in Loganville and adorable pictures of my dog. I wanted to stay current on what was going on in the lives of my sisters and friends because I didn’t want to feel left out. But I realized that wasn’t what this year is all about. It’s about abandonment – it’s about letting go of your current life for a better life. My boyfriend, parents, sisters, and friends will still be there when I get back. They will still be my boyfriend, parents, sisters, and friends. Knowing this, I have to trust that I can let them go for a short period of time in order to better myself. If I can do that, and allow God to work in me, then I can come back a better girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend.
Because after abandonment comes brokenness. After brokenness comes dependence. Seth Barnes says that “Dependence is the plug connecting us to divine power – it’s that place in our kingdom journey where we experience another level of grace.” I trust that if I’m fully dependent on God, then my life will be blessed. I want that level of dependence on Him where I don’t need anything else to keep me content and joyful in life. I want to be in a place where all I desire in life is Him. If I have to walk through abandonment and brokenness to get there, then I’m willing to do that… right?
I thought I was ready for that. Isn’t it funny when we think we’re ready for the next thing God will throw our way?
After a month of not talking to home, God asked me to abandon even more. Well, He didn’t really ask – He forced me to. But either way, I know it’s still from Him. See, the one solid foundational group of people I had in my life now, was my team. I had my team.
HAD my team. Past tense. Because about a week ago we got an email telling us that next month my team would be changing. (Because, you know, abandoning my family and friends wasn’t enough. Apparently I need to abandon all reliance on earthly people.) Getting the news seemed like too much on top of everything else. My first thought was, “You have got to be kidding me. I can’t talk to my boyfriend, or my family, and now you’re taking away my team too?!” My heart was breaking.
I was processing all of this through an email with one of my squad leaders. Both her and my squad mentor had recently been asking me about team dynamics, how I was bringing my thoughts and insight to my team, and what God was teaching me through all of it. My response was… well, let’s just say you could tell it was coming from a place of brokenness.
“Why does it matter?” was my question. Why does it matter what I think about my team, or how we’re making decisions, or how I’m processing things with them because in less than a week we won’t be together anymore. It won’t matter anymore.
Back up to two weeks ago and I was asking God, “Why am I here? What difference am I making?” Because in less than a month I’ll be gone, and these children will still be hungry and hurting. But my squad leader wisely said,
“It all matters.”
She reminded me that it all matters because years ago I gave my life over to God. I said yes to loving and following Him. By saying yes to loving him, I said yes to loving others (on my team, during ministry, in day to day life). But even then I had to ask, “Okay but why does THAT matter?” And that’s where things get interesting. Asking that was when God really started teaching me things.
So ask yourself, why does what you do in life actually matter?
