I am two months sober.
And it feels pretty good.
I wasn’t addicted to alcohol, nicotine, drugs, porn, or anything like that. But my addiction was just as bad.
You see, so many people struggle with my addiction without even knowing it.
No. It wasn’t technology.
It was Makeup.
Now I never really wore a ton of Makeup in high school, and didn’t even wear Makeup until I was in eighth grade or something like that. During the summers, I would often go without it. I would have never thought of myself as addicted to Makeup at all.
Makeup was a friend. We spent time together nearly every day. We rarely left the house without being together. She made me feel good, she made me feel comfortable, she made me feel great about myself. I was a more confident person when I had her with me.
Every now and then I wouldn’t hang out with her, just to prove to myself that I didn’t need her to feel good about myself. Somedays I would think about her a lot, I mean we spent so much time together. Sometimes I wouldn’t think about her at all, but those days were few and far between. At the end of the day, I would get home, look at myself in the mirror, and say something encouraging to myself like “Good job Sydney, you went all day without Her. Obviously you aren’t addicted. Way to go. You are such an amazing, beautiful person.” And depending on how the pep talk went, I would decide to leave her at home the next day too. Two days in a row. Wow. So ambitious. I even went a week once.
I realized something startling before I left for the World Race. I needed her. Makeup wasn’t just a friend. I had developed a dependency on her.
Each and every time that I felt insecure about my appearance, she was the first number I dialed. I would call her up, and the next day we would spend a little extra time together. I even began to depend on her for other things. If I was just having a bad day, she would cheer me up. If I need some extra motivation or confidence, she was there.
I realized that I was finding my reassurance in her rather than Him. Him with a capitol H. You know who I am talking about. My Lord and Savior. The one who gives me passion and life. The reason for my purpose. The one who forgives and redeems me. The guy who I am traveling around the world for. Jesus even died for me. (You too by the way.)
WHY IN THE WORLD WAS I TURNING TO HER AND NOT HIM. HE CREATED THE WHOLE FREAKING UNIVERSE. I am pretty sure if He did that then He can help me and give me the motivation and confidence that I was seeking somewhere else.
So that is where I found myself before launch. At the realization that I was addicted. And so I did the only logical thing and decided to kick her to the curb.
I decided not to wear makeup for nine months. Makeup and I were taking a little bit of a break.
I did it to prove to myself that I could. I did it to prove to others that I could. I did it to learn to turn to the Lord with my insecurities and lay them at His feet rather than picking up a mascara wand and a concealer stick.
All of that stuff is happening. What I didn’t realize was going to happen is what actually is happening though, of course.
I realized that I didn’t see myself the way God sees me. God sees me as a beautiful daughter.
Psalms 34:5 Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Proverbs 3:15 She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Psalms 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
1 Thessalonians 5:5 For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness.
I just picked a few verses, but this whole blog could be comprised of verses on the topic. The Lord says over and over agin in the Bible that our identity is in Him. That beauty isn’t a synonym for loved, or makeup.
I knew this. But by the fact that I decided Makeup made me more beautiful than God could, I proved to myself that I didn’t truly believe it.
There is a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.
Last Friday I was having an especially hard time with this whole suppose-to-be-good-for-me-no-makeup-fast-thing. Usually I would just put on makeup, and say to reflection in the mirror, “See Sydney, you really are beautiful. You is pretty, you is confident, and you is important.” Then I would go about life as usual.
But as before stated, I had decided that wasn’t an option for me. I wanted-corection-I needed to face this thing head on. I needed to look to God to find my worth. Not Makeup.
Saturday, I made I conscious decision so seek for my worth in Jesus and what He says about me rather than what lies say about me.
(Side note: the lies are always easier to believe. You could be told a million times that you are beautiful, but all it takes is one lie that whispers “eh, I don’t think so.” to make you discredit all of the truth.)
I sat in a little cafe Saturday afternoon eating my second fudge brownie (don’t judge) just talking to God for a while about it. I talked to Him about how I knew how He sees me, but it is just so dang hard. And He told me something:
It is an awful good thing that the important emotions aren’t just feelings, but choices.
Can you imagine if Love was just a feeling? On those days that your child, spouse, friend, or sibling annoys or hurts you, and you just really just aren’t feeling’ the love, what if that meant that you didn’t love them. What if the moment that you screwed up God just stopped loving you?
Something that I think we have forgotten is that Love is a choice. Love is an action. It is the same thing with worth. It isn’t just a feeling. It is a choice. It doesn’t go away on the days hat I don’t feel pretty. On the days I wake up and I am “just not feeling’ it” I can still be 110% confident in my beauty and worth because my worth doesn’t depend on a feeling.
And isn’t that just an amazing thing.
I know for a FACT that a lot of the women (And men, you can struggle with this stuff too. Its not just a lady thing) reading this blog are in the same boat that I just got out of. You may have heard that you have worth that is more than a feeling or a fifteen minute makeup routine, or maybe that is new to you. I don’t care if you are young or old, married or single. I don’t even care if you are male or female. I want to talk to you for a sec.
You are valuable. You are loved. You are worth it. You are beautiful.
Jesus loves you. A lot actually. So much so that He died for you.
And then BEAT THE GRAVE and CONQUERED DEATH for you.
Now go back, and read it again. It is important.
Having that heart knowledge doesn’t mean that sometimes it isn’t hard.
To quote Taylor Swift lyrics “Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.”
Some days I just really want to put on makeup.
There are days where those lies aren’t just whispering in your ear, but shouting in your face. But what I need to remember on those days, and you do too, is that our worth doesn’t depend on our feelings. Our worth is in The Lord, and He never changes.
