It’s hard to believe that a few days ago we started month 6 of the race. We’re now at that awkward point of not being at the beginning, even though it seems like we left home forever ago– but not reaching forward to home because there is still 3 and a half months to go.
It’s not bad either.
I’m constantly torn between wanting the time to speed up, and time to slow down.
Am I home sick? Maybe. I do miss having my own room and closet and space. I miss being able to curl up on the couch with my family after a long day. I miss having a seemingly never ending supply of my favorite foods in the pantry. I miss a lot of the things that I thought were just givens. But, without them, I’m learning I am still gonna be just fine. Am I people sick? Oh heck yeah. I miss my family and my friends every single day. It’s weird spending every waking moment of your life with people and then just going 6 months straight without feeling their hugs, or looking them in the eye when you’re talking. It’s even more weird looking at the time you’ve gone without it, but how much time you still have to go before you get it again.
However, this journey has been far beyond what words could even sum up. From the struggles and the triumphs, the laughter and the tears and the feelings of feeling completely filled up to just feeling completely empty— there is not one moment I have ever genuinely regretted signing up for this trip. Sure there has been moments of “Is this really happening right now?” or “Is this really MY life?” and there has been moments where I have said “Why did I do this to myself?” but then looking forward on it, and it may take a few minutes or hours or days to truly see it— but then I see what a beautiful mess it has created and I’m like “Wow. This is awesome. This is new. This is Jesus. This plan is mine. This is for me.”
The amount of growth I have seen and spiritually felt in the past 6 months is too good to be true. The friendships and bonds I have made with people are the most real, and Jesus centered relationships I’ve ever known. The places I have experienced, and people I have gotten to talk to, sometimes makes me feel like it isn’t even real. Knowing there is only 3 more months left on the field, kinda breaks my heart. I have fallen in love with the life I lead, and as excited as I am to take these lessons home, there is part of me that wishes that the time could just drag and drag and the world race could keep on keepin’ on.
However, the time isn’t gonna drag and drag, as much as I wish for it. Before I know it, I’ll be back at home. Home didn’t pause. Time at home has passed by just as much as it did on the other side of the world.
At the beginning of this trip, when I got to Thailand— I was already thinking about college. I was already thinking about what I was going to do when I got home in May. I was focusing on my life before the trip, and holding onto the plans that I had previously created for myself.
If you had heard any part of my story pre-world race, you would know I was struggling between college and saying “Yes!” to a calling I felt was placed on my life. So badly did I want to go to college. I had already been accepted to every college I could dream of, and I knew that if I turned them down, I would have to go through the process of applying all again- something I didn’t care to do. Why would I want to throw that away when I worked literally my ENTIRE life throughout school to get into a good university. As much as I felt God saying “Look, you need to come with me.” I wanted to say “Look, God. I get that you want me here and there, but I didn’t just work my booty off for 12 years of school to not go to college.”
Obviously, I ended up losing that one because here I am.
But back in Thailand and even through Cambodia, I still was forcing my future MY way. My mind set was. “Okay God. Cool, I said “Yes!” to You for the next 9 months, but when these 9 months are up, thank you so much- I am gonna continue on my way!” I kept making lists and lists of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be the one in control.
While reading “Life is” by Judah Smith, he highlighted a few stories in the bible that I found I could relate to so well.
In John Chapter 13, during the Last Supper, John describes what was going on. He says:
“When Jesus had said these things, He was troubled in spirit and testified and said, ‘Most assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray me’
Then the disciples looked at one another, perplexed about whom He spoke.
Now there was leaning on Jesus’ blossom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. Simon Peter therefore motioned to him to ask who it was of who it was of whom He spoke.
Then, leaning back on Jesus’ breast, he said to Him, ‘Lord, who is it?’
Jesus answered, “It is he to whom I shall give a piece of bread when I have dipped it.” And having dipped the bread, He gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon.” (verses 21-26).
It goes on to show all the disciples staring at each other, looking around frantically wondering who the person who betrays Jesus is.
Now John here, is the one just chilling and leaning on Jesus. He’s just hanging out, looking around at all the chaos, and minding his own. Now Peter, is really curious. He is all fired up and probably jumping around and shooting dagger eyes around at each person in the room and pointing fingers. Peter is nagging on John and poking him on the shoulder, and saying “Can you ask Jesus? Can you ask Him who it’s gonna be?”
Peter here, is taking a stand. He knows this is wrong. He knows that betraying Jesus is bad and He wants to try and stop it before it happens.
Here, I can relate to Peter a lot. When something big is coming up, I want to step in. I want to fix it. I want to be the one that knows what exactly is going on. My immediate reaction for big events like this isn’t just flopping around like John, and waiting for the answer to just be given to me. When theres a challenge, my immediate go-to is NOT to lean on The Lord, and I believe that this story is what God is teaching us to do.
Spoiler Alert: Peter is actually the one who ends up denying Jesus, not once, not twice, but three different times!!! (Mark 14:27-31).
Going back to John in chapter 19, verses 25-27, Jesus is on the cross.
At the end of it all, John is right next to the cross. John is the only disciple that we know of being there at the cross. It doesn’t say where the other guys were, and Peter isn’t there at all. Here Jesus is, dying on the cross and Peter is missing and out having a pity party (Luke 22).
Here we are again, things are hard. John is watching the person he loves do dearly be brutally murdered and he is still sitting there, with Jesus and resting in His love and His promises.
Through these stories, I think the fact of the matter is that we all need to be like John. John knew what it meant to just simply be in the love of Jesus. He knew exactly what it meant to rest in Him when things got tough. He didn’t jump like Peter and demand answers. He didn’t want those answers right away, He knew that those answers were all good when He got them. John knew that by resting His head on Jesus’ heart, that the strength and comfort he needed was all provided for.
And lately, that is exactly what God is teaching me.
I didn’t have the answers for my future in Thailand, and here I am in South Africa and i certainly don’t have them now. There is no use for me to jump up, and seek them. There is no point for me to lay out my future by myself. There really is not a reason for me to be frantic and think that whatever I am deciding right now for myself is what’s gonna go for me.
But what I can do is rest. I can lean on Jesus and look at Him and say “You know, whatever you have for me is going to be good. I don’t really know what that is, but you’ve totally got this. I trust you.”
And for sure, it is easier said than done. Every now and again, that Peter feeling inside of me rushes up and says “Get up! Get up! You need to do something, you’re gonna be home in 3 months, you need to have this figured out, you need to get it together now!”
And then I’m reminded, that I don’t. I have 3 more months to continue to search and continue to seek God and all He has to offer for me. When those 3 months are up, and I still don’t have those answers thats okay too.
By no means am I saying to just sit around and wait and do absolutely nothing and be lazy and think that the answers that you need are gonna fall out of the sky and hit you in the face. In fact, that is the last thing I think anyone should do. What I am saying, is that demanding answers when the going gets tough and constantly being in a frenzy to fix things is the wrong way to go about it.
Take a deep breath. Take in where you’re at and accept it. Keep moving forward, and striving to be the best you can be. Be confident in knowing that you’re in the hands of the King of ALL kings and Lord of ALL lord’s and at the end of the day when you rest with him, it’s all gonna come together in His time.
