Last month, in Nepal, I began to come to a realization that something I once put a lot of my time, effort, and worth in; my love and gift with children was nothing like it once was.
“You’re kidding me, right? Lord, seriously. Why am I struggling to go head first into a day full of kids without tiring like I once was able to?”
—–
Let me just give you a glimpse of what my life looked like from age 3 until uhhh 22 years old:
• 3 or probably younger: I was a mom. I carried my plastic babies everywhere with me. I fed them. Clothed them. Changed their diapers. I rocked them to sleep. They went everywhere with me and I was their “mom.” This lasted for a lot of years.
• Skip to 11 years old: I began babysitting, a one year old to be exact. I baby sat her and her 3 other siblings up until leaving for this trip. Along with these children I babysat probably an additional 50 or more kids within the next 11 years of my life.
• I Nannied a child from 3 months old until 1.5 years old, taught children’s gymnastics, and not to mention the multiple small groups I’ve lead and VBS I’ve participated in.
Essentially, up until this past year of my life ever thing I ever did and every job I worked revolved around the beautiful children of this world!
—–
I loved them. They defined me. I related with them. I taught them about God and showed them that He loved and created them. I was qualified to share these things with them.
But I didn’t have this gift, as fully, anymore.
Life changes. Things get hard and they shape you for better or worse. You can choose into God or you can run, but no matter what you choose it’s going to shape you.
Life changed. The simple life I lived and the relationship that I had with children and the Lord changed. Life got hard and I had to learn to make a choice. Choose God or choose the world. I picked the world for a while.
Rebellion, ignorance, negligence
These changed me.
Starvation, self harm, depression.
It changed me.
Life got hard, the worldly choice made it harder.
Conviction, realization, brokenness
It brought me to my knees
Healing, restoration, renewing
He changed me.
The Lord transformed the hard into beauty. The Lord restored the darkest, hardest, most trying parts of my life to use for His beautiful glory. He changed me.
So when I was sharing with my team that I was ready for a ministry other than kids. And I thought, “Why am I not the girl I once was with children?! Seriously, what is going on? Am I that boring of a person? Who am I even now that I am not good with kids?! Come on Lord, answer me,” so many times in my life the past three months I have asked these things. The Lord gave me the answer and the revelation of what was going on.
I wasn’t the girl I once was because I’m no longer a girl. Life happened, life got hard and I learned what it was like to choose God and allow him to restore those parts. I was made into a woman of God.
Life got hard and during those two years of hard I was taught so much about the lord. He gave me a way to relate, a way to redirect people to the Lord, he gave me a way to love and share the most beautiful of love in the most broken parts of people’s lives.
I don’t regret my past. I would have never chose to have these particular struggles, but I wouldn’t change it for a second. All the conversations I’ve had with other that the Lord has used me to direct them towards Him in their situation has made it all worth while. My past has changed me. My past, by choosing God in it and letting Him shape me, has allowed me to become a woman of Him.
I have life experience. Where I once was a girl, all I could do was relate to children. I could share with them and teach, guide them in the childlike faith I had. Now I know what it’s like to cry out desperately to the Lord to change my life. Now I am a woman. Now I have experiences to share with others and can direct them to the Father in a deep and unshakeable way that only He can bring restoration from.
I love children. I still think a baby falling asleep in your arms is the best therapy you can get, but I know that’s not the only thing the Lord has called me here for.
He has called me to dive into the hard things and to direct the broken to the prefect Love that casts out fear. He is a God who transforms and shifts and he has brought me from a girl into a woman of Him.
** I promise I will write a blog within the next week or so about ministry and what life of the race looks like for me!
