If there is something that is yearning from within you, wondering why you were created why you are here…there is a reason for it, for the yearning…
When I was younger I used to sit, wondering about the universe. About how before me there was nothing, how I can’t remember anything before me. About how the universe can go on forever and doesn’t have an end. I was yearning for something more. I was yearning for truth. But at the time I didn’t know it.
All I needed to do was ask the questions, but instead I ran from the place that I was and distract my mind to something else. I was scared to find out the answer because I didn’t know what it would be. Where I would go after this life? What was the beginning? Where is the end? If I can from nothing surely I will go to nothing again, right?
I would sit in church and color but I never received the message. I never understood what was going on. Not until high school. Not until someone called me out and tried to speak truth to me.
Then I loved it, I began to understand. I didn’t know what it was, but at camp that summer I heard of something that I had never heard of before. I was mesmerized by it. I thirsted for more. Without knowing it the questions I had as a kid were being answered. After camp I went to church, I heard what was said but still never asked questions. I read but I never asked the questions that were still on my heart. I didn’t want to feel stupid.
Until this last summer, I was afraid of what other people would think. I remember this quote, better to be silent and them to think you are stupid that to open your mouth and prove it, or something like that. It made me quiet for so many years, to where I would never speak.
Then something broke. I wanted to know truth, I wanted to ask the questions, I wanted to seek what was real for my own weight and not because someone told me so.
I started asking the questions that I always wanted to ask. I started having the conversations that I always wanted to have. I asked
the questions about life. Proving that the stories that I hear are true. This was the best decision that I ever made. I was finding out what I always wondered from when I was little. And I just made the realization that these are the things I was asking myself when I was little. The questions about why I am here, why I was created, what was before me and what is after me. It is not something hard to understand, but it takes time. I can’t say that I have grasped all I need to know but there is a verse that can help me describe what I feel…
“Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind me and straining toward what is ahead.” – Philippians 3:13
I do not live in fear anymore to ask the questions that I have wondered. I do not care if I look like a fool. I do not care what other people think about me. I remember watching the video from that first summer at camp and the look on my face during one of the evening talks, I didn’t realize how much I marveled at the words spoken it until I saw myself. Now I have lost the video but I have not lost that image, I want to be like that always. Always in awe of who God is, of what he has done for us. I am going to ask the questions, and I know that truth will be revealed. All I have to do is ask. All you have to do is ask…
You will see why this was on my heart because of the next post…
