Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Torn between two different you's? The you in one area of life, and the you in another? Well, right now I feel like there are two me's. (I don't even know if I should put an apostrophe in me's, I just know that mes looks funny. Keep your spell check to yourself 😉
California me. World Race me.
Home me. Away me.
Extravert me. Introvert me.
Social me. Alone me.
Comfortable me. Uncomfortable me.
Confident me. Uncertain me.
Wild and crazy me. Reserved me.
Sign Language interpreter me. Unemployed me.
The Well Community Church me. No church me.
Friends I've had for years. People I just met.
Friends who know me. Friends who hardly know me.
My people. New people.
I feel like my life at the time is determined by a plane ride. I step onto the plane in one life, then exit it in another. Different people. Different settings. Different purposes. The difficulty I'm dealing with today… the fact that these two will never intersect. “My people” in my two different elements will never know each other. I will never get to be with everyone I love all at once. On a bad day, I grieve over this.
I just spent the last two weeks in Georgia, getting ready for my next season on The World Race. I left normal, working, California life and friends to live out a week set aside to be trained as a leader and rest before the craziness of Training Camp for the new racers began. Followed by a week stepping into my new role as the leader of about 50 people on Q squad. I was blessed to work with an amazing team of people with wisdom, humor, insight, and experience to decide what racers would be best placed on teams together. Mentored by one who's been in this role as squad leader before me. Finding out that my co-leader, Vanessa Butler, and I are going to compliment each other well, get along great, and dance in the middle of streets all over the world together as much as we can… possible in the middle of the night. And the best part… I met my squad of World Racers!!! I have faces and names to put with my prayers. Life stories to be mindful of. And hearts that have been entrusted to me.
While I loved each moment of the past two weeks, I constantly recognized that something was… off. I felt myself being social, then recluse. Outgoing, then reserved. Joyful, then solemn. Not until the last night did I quite understand it… I just didn't feel like me. For the past 1 ½ years, I have been living in and out of my “real” life. Taking rest in that I can be completely myself at home in California, then being mindful of the fact that one plane ride away I am being thrown into charismatic, Adventures in Missions land. This time with a new role to my name… as a leader. Mentor. Discipler.
While I'm super excited for what God has for me and is doing in me and through me, it takes a lot of effort to get to know new people… again. And again. And again. So now, who completely knows me anymore? Who can I share every part of my heart with anymore? No one that I know is a part of all of the different facets of my life. And sharing stories and pictures isn't enough to make my thoughts or experiences real to anyone else. Everyone only knows parts of me anymore… except God. He is the only one who is with me for every travel. Conversation. Experience. Thought. Prayer. Discomfort. And personality that I display to those around me.
Psalm 139 says:
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar…
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
…your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast…
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
My only comfort in all the discomfort is in my relationship with God who knows all there is to know about me. Throughout the 11 months of changes on the race, the only only constant was Him. The only relationship I knew would last beyond coming home was the one with Him. The only one who saw every day, in every country, and back again was Him. The only one who knows my true identity is Him. California. Georgia. Countries around the world… the only One I am consistently with… is Him. I could wallow in this (and for a few moments today I did), or I could rejoice in the truth that is my God. He knows me. Even the deepest parts of me that I don't even know. Sacrificed Himself for me. Created me, inside and out. Values me. Gives me identity. And loves me.
I could throw a fit within myself, yelling about living a life that is uncomfortable traveling back and forth… or I could be thankful for Him opening my eyes to more. For all the opportunities He's given me, ways He's blessed me, and is now using me. I choose thankfulness (at least on the good days).
So what will you do when your circumstances change? When you're uncomfortable in situations? Will you keep your eyes closed? Or see how He's opening them? Will you choose to throw an internal fit? Or will you choose to be thankful?
