The past few weeks have been pretty hard… thinking about all of the things and people I am going to miss over the next year. When I was at Starbucks last week I looked around and realized that the next time I'm here will be this season and it will be decorated the same. I'll miss the seasonal changes of the decorations. I'll miss the seasonal weather changes. I'll miss my job that I love and the people I work with. It's hard to imagine life without them right now. I'll miss my family and my friends. The World Race is no exposure, two week missions trip, but a change of life. Abandonment. And the excitement and sadness that accompany the reality of it all being so close is vastly different than something short term. Here are a few of my thoughts… just from today.
No matter how old I am, I still want to talk to my mom when I've been sick for a few days… even just to cry a bit and vent about how I just want to feel better… I won't be able to call her when I'm sick to my stomach b/c of some food I ate or some nausea from traveling. And in that moment, I'll miss home dearly.
I give love and feel the most loved by spending quality time with a person and by affirming, loving, encouraging words. I will have no quality, one on one time with anyone from home and people will probably not realize how much I need to hear from them (so I'm asking you to please write to me while I'm gone, just to tell me how your day is going. I will NEED it more than you know.)
My best friends. The people who know me the best, my ups and downs. What more do I need to say?
I will miss hugs. Hugging my family and friends. I'm not always a big hugger, but I sure am with the people who mean the most to me. I will miss hugs so much. I will miss my dad holding on tightly for minutes at a time.
Machines. Doing laundry last night, I spent time thinking about how I will miss conveniences of home… machines that actually do the work for you: washer and dryer, dishwasher, coffee maker, microwave, refrigerator. I may have these in some places, but there's no way to know beforehand. I will miss them
A glass of wine with dinner
Playing the guitar to worship by myself, for myself.
Driving.
Sausage and egg mcmuffins and donut holes (two things I ate today knowing I might not for a long time
Watching my students sign for Harmony performances, taking pride in their language
Happy hour with friends
Getting mail
Making jokes and using sarcasm as humor with my co-workers b/c we can laugh at ourselves
Cell phones and texting
Holidays
Watching my brother and sister-in-law parent
My nephew (and the birth of my new niece or nephew in April)
The freedom of running whenever and wherever I want
Alone time
Over a conversation with a friend the other day, something hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always known in my head that I am not the source of help for anyone. I can't actually change anything or do anything for them when they're struggling or hurting. I can support and encourage and give words of wisdom, but there is nothing that really me, myself and I can actually DO to make anything better for the people in my life. I have no power. Because that is God's doing. I am just the helper. Even though I know this, I still live like I can. Like I am the one whose going to make a difference. And I think we are supposed to. But for the first time I realized that while I'm gone, I can do absolutely nothing. I will have no physical presence in anyone's life. There is only one thing that I can do daily to love on people and care for them… pray. That's it. That's my absolute only sure-fire way to care for them and help them through hard times. That is a surrender that I'm struggling with already. I want to be physically present. Call them. Send an email at 2am when I can't sleep and have so many thoughts for them. Text a message good morning just so they know they matter. I won't be able to do any of that and I don't like it. But… surrender. I am reminded that God is their Father. Their King. And the Author and perfecter of their faith, just as He is mine. And nothing I do aside from that which God has decided to use me for makes any difference anyways. He is the One who changes hearts and brings joy from pain and gladness from mourning. Not me. So He will continue to do His will in people's lives w/o me here. And what I must do is let Him turn the focus of my heart onto the people that I am loving on through great pain, heartache, and unfathomable circumstances in the places I am going to. I can only pray for the people here at home and I will do that. But my physical presence will be in the 11 countries. And I have to be okay with that. Accept that. I admit that today I am struggling immensely. I feel like there is so much to do here and support to offer the brokenhearted in my life here… but I am called to go and for this season, love and support and encourage the brokenhearted elsewhere. I leave exactly one month from today and am absolutely heartbroken. I am excited to go, but sad to leave.
