This is a difficult post for me, but in my first blog I made a promise to keep you all in the loop and to share my heart with you all. So, I want to let you all into the deep places of my heart where I have been keeping my fears and struggles with fundraising. I have expressed these things with my team and they have been a constant support and encouragement and have been praying for me daily. However, I know that these fears are something I need to confess publicly, knowing that God will show up and provide. So in the confidence of knowing that our God is giver of great gifts and he will bring in the funds, here are my fears and doubts.
Personally, I am broke. I have no idea where God plans to bring the funds from, and I continue to let my heart and mind worry. I fear having to leave the trip early. I fear asking people for their support over and over again. I fear denial from people I could ask, and I ultimately fear failing God in what He has called me to do. Doubts creep in daily, and I begin to believe that I am not enough, that I haven’t done enough, and that I am not good enough for the funds to come. I begin to doubt that I was meant to be on this trip and I have doubted that I was made for missions. However, I know that God has never forgotten me nor left me alone with these thoughts. He reminds me not to worry, not to be fearful, and not to doubt who I am. He has placed a passion in my heart for the world, and he has called me as his child to proclaim his kingdom to the nations.
The fact is that I am $2,123 away from my next goal due on September 30, (27 days away), and I am $6,684 away from being fully funded by December 31. The fact is that I know this is a large amount, The fact is that it’s a struggle to be fundraising while on the field. The fact is that every time fundraising is brought up my heart feels burdened and I feel frustrated and slightly overwhelmed.
HOWEVER….
The truth is that money and deadlines are no big deal for God. If this is where he has me for the year, He knows where the funds are going to come from. The truth is that within His kingdom there is no amount to big for him to pull together. The truth is that if I am faithful to doing his work out in the field, He is faithful to provide what is necessary for me to stay. The truth is that He gives peace to my heart and takes the burden upon himself.
I am reminded of Paul and Timothy’s letter to the church of Philippi, Philippians 4:10-20.
10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 14 Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble. 15 And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. 16 Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. 17 Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit. 18 I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. 19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. 20 To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.
Paul had learned to be content in every situation, but the church of Philippi, for the sake of God’s glory, partnered with him to provide for his needs. And here I am, learning to be content with what I have been given, but needing and knowing that God has people to partner with me in furthering his kingdom.
I am learning that in the midst of being broke and not being able to do this alone that God is allowing me to be broken before him. He is having me let go of my worries and my fears. He is breaking me of my desire to be independent and do this on my own. I am learning to be patient for what I have asked him for. I have heard countless stories from teammates and others about how God has provided the right amount at the perfect time. I know He can do the same for me, and I have asked him to show me his power. I have asked him to perform a fundraising miracle for me, but more often than not, I do not want to wait for his timing. I am learning to be excited for these struggles because it means that God is working in me, that He loves me to much to let me be. He is moving in my heart and revealing more about himself to me everyday. I am learning that He is going to be breaking me of everything so I come to a point where every ounce of my being is relying on him alone.
I am learning to trust him more every day, and I am learning how to create space for my Father, the giver of great gifts, to move in mighty ways. He will provide. In his perfect timing. In the perfect way.
For Christ and his kingdom, I release my fears and doubts about fundraising and hold onto his promise to provide.
