The month of February has been hard. I can pretty honestly say I hated this month. Some of you may be surprised by this considering I celebrated my birthday, got to go to camp, and quite frankly I am a master at masking my pain, but this entire month I have been very unhappy.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety all my life. So much that during my sophomore year in high school I began to self harm, which then lead to a few suicide attempts.This past month it was in full swing. I would find myself thinking about things.
How I don't have a job.
How I don't go to school.
How I don't have any money.
How I can't send out my support letters because I can't afford postage.
How I my World Race funds have been the same for months.
Then the anxiety starts to set in. That horrible feeling, you can't breath, your body starts to shake, you begin to cry, and your body just gives up, you crawl to your bed go under the sheets and lay there. That has controlled my life. During those times I know it is the devil trying to run with my insecurities.
I have let him make me believe I am not worthy.
I have let him tell me I will not get supporters.
I have let him make me believe I am useless.
I have let him make me believe I will always be viewed only for my outside appearance.
I have let him make me believe that the World Race is not in my future.
I have let him make me believe I am a failure.
And worst of all,
I have let him make me me angry with God.
And because of I have been believing those lies the devil brings into my life, I have hit a wall of not caring.
I haven't really sat with God. I haven't talked to Him. I haven't read his word. I have ran from him.
Today I hit rock bottom.
I am tired.
I am tired of feeling worthless.
I am tired of feeling useless.
I am tired.
I am tired of fighting.
I don't want this anymore.
I don't want to devil to run my life.
I don't want my emotions to be so out of control I cannot breath.
I don't want to not talk to God daily.
I don't want to sit up at night crying.
I want to say this, not only to me but to anyone who has ever felt this way, we will make it through. We deserve happiness. We deserve to wake up daily with our head high, knowing our bank account doesn't define us. Neither do those words people have said, the words that kept us up at night crying. We need to understand that when our mind goes into a dark place, the Lord will bring us up. HE WILL HOLD US, He ALWAYS has us. We will wake up some days ready to call it quits, ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes that battle will seem not worth it, but please remind yourself that it is.
I write this knowing there will be more days like Wednesday. Days where the feeling of defeat will flood my mind. But when my body feels like it has no strength left, I need to call God into my life, ignore the devil. Ignore all those horrible words, thoughts, feelings and call on the Lord to help me through.
If this has taught me anything it is this, He will always provide. Even when you think you are done, He will provide. He provided me people who prayed for me, a friend who was willing to listen as I got angry and hit a wall of feeling useless. He even provided the words to confront my family, the words that I have hidden for so many years.
Yes my body is worn out, even more so after writing this blog, but it has helped and if it could help one of you reading this then believe I have done the right thing.
I want to leave with this bible verse to meditate and pray on,
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. (Psalm 71:20-21)
Also one of my favorite songs by Gungor. I was at camp the first time I heard it. Sitting with campers as they sung this song, truly believing what they were saying. He has us, He always will.
