I’m so convinced that changing my surroundings isn’t going to change anything. It’s a fact. What needs to change is internal. I feel like I’m slipping back into to old habits. My mind feels chaotic. Not even dwelling on the future is comfortable anymore. Part of me feels like I’m loosing my mind and the other part thinks this might be brokeness o a deeper level. The only enjoyment I got out of my sabbath today was what I read in Hebrews. Especially in chapter 8.
(BTW Meredith Hastings, remember when you and the other guy were discussing the theology about God’s promises at the YWAM base in mozi? Hebrews chapter 8 I think might have defended you side in all that. I thought of you when I read it.)
That’s the only thing that’s leading me to believe what i am experiencing now is brokeness. the crazy thing is technology has never been a struggle for me on the race. In fact I’ve been rather careless about my personal electronic belongings. I’ve had a couple months where it was actually nice not to have it at all. So why now? My phone bit the dust a couple days ago, and it’s like ever since I got to Asia I’ve been addicted to technology. I have all the free internet I want this month. It’s not fulfilling in the least, and for some reason I procrastinate like crazy to read my bible. I enjoy my bible every time I pick it up, but for some reason the thought of it is so boring. I open it and it isn’t boring at all, but i got on the internet and its the dullest part of my day (except when my extroverted self goes upstairs and everyone else is on the computer).
I want God to cut this infection out of me. I feel like there’s some kind of disease I have that’s self-inflicted, that the doctor just told me about. I definitely feel disappointed in myself for letting myself get this far in ignoring God. I don’t want to ignore His conviction or discipline anymore. It feels so empty.
Maybe It’s just a heavy amount of conviction. The more I type the heavier it feels. the more I sit in front of a computer screen the worse it gets. My God’s love is perfect and My God is sovereign so even if I feel like His face is turned away I wont lean on my own understanding. I will know my God love’s me when I might not necessarily feel it. I will know His conviction and discipline is love. “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love, and of a sound mind.” -2 Timothy 1:7. Thanks mom for ingraining that into my brain. Love you Mom At the beginning of the race I would always say, “Embrace the suck!” Well, here it is. I can either choose to keep going down this path or stick my head in my bible, get down on my knees, get present, and get back to where God wants me. Back to the straight and narrow.
Thanks for reading,
Be blessed,
Steven Buffington
