After months of struggling about whether to continue on the Race, I have decided to leave the mission field and return home. The decision was not easy and does not come without sacrifice. Some may see this as a cop out; a decision to quit when things got tough, but this is not the reason I have decided to leave.
I recently made a list of reasons why I went on the Race; goals that I realized were not and would not be fulfilled by the Race. While trying to uphold the proper respect for all involved, I will explain the changes in thought that brought about the decision to leave.
The Race turned out to be drastically different than what I had thought I signed up for. From the first day at training camp, I knew that I did not agree with the theology or practices of the World Race. I thought that I could maintain an open mind and tolerance for the organization’s beliefs, while holding my own opinions and beliefs. This turned out to be an optimistic, but unrealistic assertion.
After being forced to participate in such practices as “prophesying over others” as well as operating under what I see as spiritual mysticism and being told that I could not speak to my teammates about my disagreements about the organization while finding out that weekly reports were being given as to what I “was going through” and how I was feeling without my knowledge, I became very bitter and angry with the organization. An unhealthy mistrust grew which gave me more reason not to believe what I was being told. With this mistrust also came a rejection of the “authority given by God” to those making the decisions for me. While outwardly denying any set theology or denominational ties, I understood the organization to work under a set system within a strict theological doctrine that I do not agree with. This being understood, I knew I could not continue within this system, as it put a serious damper on my faith and trust of people.
Along with this acknowledgment, I also had to be honest with myself. Since my freshman year in high school, I have wrestled with doubts and questions that have lead me down a dark road of depression and existential defeat. For the past 3 years I have been lying to myself and others; claiming to have found peace in the tenets of Christianity while deep down knowing that the answers given do not squelch the burning pursuit of truth. Honesty is the first step towards reality, and in order to dispel the illusion I had set for myself, I had to give in to the fact that I have not found what I am searching for and would not find it under the confines of the Race. In servitude to the Truth and God, I decided to give up the chance to see the world; the chance to meet amazing people and experience cultures, in order to follow where I felt God leading me.
These are two of the three main reasons for my departure. The third comes in the everyday life on the Race. I signed up and ventured out in the world in order to serve people; to love in the way that Christ loved by actions outstripping mere words. This turned out to be a misrepresentation. The vast majority of “work” done on the Race is strictly evangelical. This means door-to-door preaching without first getting to know the people or what they believed or felt. To me, this is disrespectful and arrogant. It in no way expresses the love and understanding that I thought I would be expressing on the Race; instead expressing an imperialistic mindset where saving souls outweighs loving others.
This does not in the least explain all the reasons for my departure and if you have any further questions for me, I am happy to answer.
Thank you for all your support, and I apologize for being unable to fulfill my commitment.
I’ll leave you with a Bible verse that I feel is very applicable in my scenario:
“And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
– Matthew 5:30
