Oh goodness. I've honestly started this blog post three seperate times – giving up mid way through each attempt out of sheer frustration of the fact that I simply stank at being able to express myself in the way I want. This is troublesome for future blog posts regarding THE WORLD since I can't seem to write my thoughts on the 7 day training camp we just had in tiny Copperhill, TN.
But nonetheless, God graciously has given me a 5 hour surprise layover to get my thoughts together and rattled out.
Training camp.
Hmmmmm…..
I like being blunt about things. Especially when I'm typing away on the grody, hard airport ground at O'Hara sharing an outlet with 5 other people.
Training camp in one word: Disturbing.
Nope, I need more words to describe it. Frightening. Draining. Shocking. Discomforting. But in a strange sense, fulfilling.
Although I cannot share the details of camp with you (due to the protection of future Racers' experiences as well as the fact that I still haven't yet wrapped my head around what happened) I can tell you that it left me frightened of The Race.
Now of course I've known the worries of disease, danger, and simplistic living that the Race held before I went to camp. But I gained another disturbing fear: the fear of God.
Flat out, if you would have witnessed some of the things in camp, you would have thought it a cult (the abundance of "when are they gonna pass out the kool-aid" jokes that circulated around camp was testimony of that fact). At any rate…..these people acted strange. Strange in that they don't act like normal people I've encoutered in faith.
Holy Spirit was the word of the day everyday. The training was centered around the power of the interaction between material humans and this mystical, spiritual entity. Now, I believe what the Bible says. I really do. But something about my evidential, rational, science grounded brain refused to allow a "holy ghost" into my faith picture. I always saw the third wheel of the trinity as a metaphorical representation of change in a person's actions upon the conclusion and acceptance of the Gospel.
And thus everytime we listened to a speaker tell us the "holy spirit" will move through us, I sat there trying to analyze the psychological fallacies these people were falling into.
Typical Steve. Relying way too much on his ability to figure it all out. Soon enough, during the highest point of my confidance that everything they were talking about could be merely brushed away by scientific analysis, I got my world shaken up.
As everyone stood outside praying for the spirit to flow through them, I circled the group like a lion about to pounce on the prey it'd been stalking. "Oh these people I'm about to spend 11 months with. How caught in the religious experience they are. If only they could think outside their conservative religious boxes for one moment, they could see the truth of the matter and understand the reality of this "holy interaction" and really be free". (Its ok if right now you're thinking I'm a pompous over inflated donkey – brief side note, there was in fact a literal donkey on the camp sight that woke me up at least 2 times a night -I'd agree with you).
Enter the scene a staffer who I'd never meet. She walked up to me and started talking to me:
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"Oh I'm doing good, thanks. (now please go away)"
"Do you mind if I pray for you? Would that be o.k.?"
"Thank you, but I'm fine. (Nooooooo crazy lady, I'm not falling for it)"
"I really feel a strong impulse to pray for you. Can I? Do you mind? You don't have to do anything."
"……um, ok. Sure…."
I can't figure out what happened when she started to speak. All I know is that she spoke truth that cut through any defense I could put up. She told me things that even someone who knew me wouldn't know how to say. I can't remember what was said during that prayer because I was too busy sobbing (another side note, for anyone who thinks it belittling of a man to cry, I direct them to the shortest sentence in the Bible – "He wept.". If Jesus can get emotional every once in a while, so can I).
The gist of the prayer: God wants you to surrender your mind. Nobody will ever be able to know how He works. Stop fighting Me. Rest in the fact that I AM. Words of prophecy were spoken over me that I will keep to myself, but right then, my defenses were slowly being chipped at.
I remember another staff person comming to see if I was alright (picture a shaking, sobbing, 20 year old guy with both hands covering his face – no wonder he felt the need to check in on me).
"Is God rocking your world, right now Steve?"
" (muffled whisper) yes…."
More strange things were spoken to me by people I'd never meet that could not have been coincidence.
One night, we were to walk up to someone in the room who had their eyes closed and they were to pray for us specifically without knowing who we were. Before we started, the speaker asked if anyone wanted any help from a veteran staffer to connect with the "holy spirit". The gentleman I stood before made a very uncertain and worried face as he slowly raised his hand for help. "Oh great," I thought, "I picked a winner".
Oh how the world seems to flop, rotate, stretch and slide when we think we finally get it.
As the man's expression turned from frustration, to concentration, to confidence, he started telling me what the "holy spirit" was telling him.
Again, I cannot recreate the elegance of what he said, but the flavor tasted like this….
"I feel a deep uncertainty. An uncertainty and worry that is very problematic. But….but also a peace about it. These two things seem to be in direct conflict, but they really aren't. And…..I feel that you are very unique. Very unique. And very special. There aren't many like you. Mmmmmm….hmmmm (smile) and a beaty about you. God is telling me how beautiful and special you are….."
Upon conclusion, I gave the man a huge hug confirming the heart stabbing words he'd spoken over me.
Now, I know how crazy those two stories seem to be.
"Steve, are you really buying into that? I mean, where's your head at?"
I don't know if its real, or just a fanciful creation of the human mind, but I can tell you that what happened to me during training camp shattered all confidence that I knew what God was like and how He operates.
I have no idea. Neither do you. But thats where faith stakes its place. Right in the middle of what we know and what we will never be able to know.
So what did I learn at camp?
The doubting of doubt.
And I know that throughout my experiences on this Race, those doubts about my doubts will only continue to grow. Until all I have is the reliance on an immaterial God I cannot see with my eyes, but just might be able to see work in my heart and life.
