It’s nearing two weeks since I’ve left training camp and I am still trying to understand all the things that happened.
Going into training camp we were told to let go of all of our expectations, and I thought I had managed to remove all the expectations I had towards The World Race and training camp, but now that I am processing through everything I have realized there was one expectation that I held onto that wasn’t met through training camp. And the reason it wasn’t met was because I was leaning on something else other than God.
But to understand why I had this expectation at training camp you must first understand my heart towards foreign missions.
I grew up pretty worldly, in the sense that I was focused on drugs, money, girls, and every other cliché thing this world has to offer. I was brought up in the Catholic Church for the first 14 years of my life and going there never seemed to make sense to me. I knew nothing of Christ, and every service no one would ever talk to each other it was like people were trying to avoid everyone, and I never seemed to understand what the priest would be talking about either. So I grew up extremely ignorant of anything church related because I had no desire to learn more about it.
It wasn’t till I was 18 years old at a Christian camp where I truly heard the gospel for the first time and I fell to my face crying as I tried to hold in my screams and as I started to rip into the carpet I had fallen on realizing that I’ve tried to find my identity in so many things of this world and sinned so much but still Christ said “Father forgive Steve for he knows not what He does.”
Then once that service was over and I walked out of the chapel I was in, God then showed me a vision. Now remember I knew nothing of spiritual gifts or the Holy Spirit or evangelism or anything like that I was just very ignorant. And in the vision I saw two children of Indian decent. One boy and one girl but you could hardly tell one from the other because both of their hair were long and they were both cover in filth and torn clothes. They were sitting on the curb of a street with trash surrounding them and I looked into their faces and I saw no hope what so ever. What I got from them was that, that was their life and that is all they’ll ever have. Then the vision was over and all of sudden an explosion inside of me happened to where I felt a deep urge tell me to GO. And out loud I said what do you want me to do? Go over there and sit there with them twiddling my thumbs? I had no clue to what God was calling me to do but there was an undeniable passion telling me to go.
It was a few days after that, that God showed Himself to me, and I gave my life to God. And since that day 4 years ago my heart for going to serve and love the least of us in foreign nations has only grown more and more within me. To the point where after only a month of being in Christ I would cry daily realizing that all I was doing for the day was playing video games and watching TV while thousands upon thousands of people were dying without ever hearing the name of Jesus. A few months after that God showed me another vision for missions while worshipping at a friend’s house. I was sitting on a bar stool and we were singing the song “Hosanna in the highest” and then all of sudden my voice was removed from me. I tried to speak but nothing would come out, so I began to pray instead. And my prayer was “Father, take me to a place where every single spec of dirt that you created me out of the Earth would be focused on glorifying you alone.” And I blacked out. And in this vision I was seeing through my eyes and I was standing on what seemed to be a wooden crate and I was on a beach. To my left were trees running down the shore line and to my right the waves were going back and forth. And before me I saw around 100 people with the same skin tone as the children from the first vision standing before me. Now in this vision I couldn’t hear any noise but The Spirit ministered to me and told me what I was saying. I saw my hands flying forward and back from the corner of my eyes as I cried with everything to the people before me, that “There is a savior named Jesus and He loves you and He has died for you!” And in that moment every single spec of dirt that I was made out of was focused on glorifying God alone! There was nothing in me thinking about what I was going to say next or is this safe or what I was going to eat that night! Nothing was focused on me and everything was focused on my Father’s glory and His kingdom advancing and I felt The Father’s presence over me and That He was joyful in me! Then the vision was over and I was back in my friend’s apartment still sitting on the stool.
Due to the increasing passion that God was continually pouring into my heart I started praying for what ministry to join, but unfortunately instead of praying God’s will for missions through pride I had in my life I was praying my will for missions. I started to seek a ministry that was at least 3-6 months long and would send me overseas and several other things that I came up with on my own without praying first. Not that I am saying those things were bad, it’s just I hadn’t ever pray to find out if that’s what God wanted for me at that time.
And the very first time I prayed that, God brought up a ministry that I had heard about a year prior that wasn’t about sending me overseas long-term or some of the other things I wanted, but instead it was a yearlong discipleship school in Texas where their focus was on raising up national missionaries and they only allowed me to go to India for two weeks.
After hearing to go to that discipleship school from the first time I prayed for a ministry to join, I instantly rejected it because God had given me a deep rooted passion to go overseas, so I thought that it must not be from God when it really was. And because I refused to listen to what God had for me He let me pray that prayer for 6 months as I searched through several different ministries that sounded awesome and fit my criteria but every time I prayed about them I found no peace in them. So finally after 6 months of praying that God finally spoke to me, and He said “If you are only going to give me 3 to 6 months of your life you can keep that I don’t want that. I want all of it.” So I finally prayed Father not my will but yours and He put that discipleship school on heart again and I still wanted to fight it but I gave in because I knew that’s what God wanted me to do for that year.
It was actually about a week after I got accepted to the discipleship school that I found out about The World Race. (And if you don’t know The World Race is a ministry that sends men and women in Christ to 11 countries over 11 months to go live out of backpack and tent to go serve in Jesus name.) and once I first heard about The World race I thought it was amazing! But before I did anything or even thought about pursuing it I took it to God in prayer first. And immediately He overwhelmed me with peace, and clarity to go, but at a later time.
And so I spent last year with that discipleship school and God used it immensely in my life and during last year I was blessed to be able to go to India for two weeks where the passion that God had placed in my heart for foreign missions finally found its home. I loved being over there with the people more than anything! There was beyond clarity and peace that, that’s the place that God has called me to be.
Which brings us to the present and to the expectation that I took with me into training camp. When I was in Asia last September I found my place of calling and also while I was there in Asia I finally got the call from The World Race that I was accepted and was an official racer. And since then the deep yearning to go back to foreign missions and ultimately Asia has been increasing more and more to the point where it’s frustratingly hard to sit still in anticipation or where I seek to constantly kill time to make the coming season come faster. So the expectation that I held on to was that I had hoped training camp would be something that would help fill the deep yearning for foreign missions for at least the one month till I left. I had hoped it would help hold me over till launch but it actually had the complete opposite effect. Instead of it being a sip to help quench the thirst it was like pouring gasoline on the fire that is deep down in my heart! At training camp through Christ I experience more life in Christ and understood more of who I am in Christ which instead of helping me be patient for this month it has increased the temptation to not live in the present because I want to experience God more through this ministry and this coming year in foreign missions! Constantly I am having to pray and remind myself to live in the present and to seek for what God is doing today rather than to be mentally living in a month from now and missing out what He has for me in this moment. And even though it’s hard for me God has been giving me a lot of grace during this time, and has been showing me to trust and lean on Him and nothing else. And through seeking to live in the present by God’s grace I have been experiencing many new beautiful things in Christ each day.
And currently while I’m waiting in Christ to finally be overseas and serving I’ve heard many people agree/disagree with me with stuff like “Yeah I’m tired of America too! Why am I going to keep sharing the gospel with someone for the 20th time when there are people in Asia who haven’t gotten to hear it once!” Or “Why are you leaving when there is still so much work to be done here in America! You’re just being selfish and want to travel.”
And so on with many other thoughts from different people. But I don’t think any of those accurately depicts my heart towards missions in America or foreign missions.
To understand my heart of what being a missionary in America is like for me, imagine this. It’s like you’re in America and you’re watching over your brother or sisters kid. In this example your brother or sister’s kid represents people in America. But then also imagine that you’re not with your child. That your child is in Asia and that’s where they stay and live. Of course you love your sibling’s kid, and you want to spend time with them and you want great things for them, you want them to grow up well, their your family! If you have the chance at doing any of that stuff for them your going to do it! But deep down your heart longs to be with your child. You’re constantly thinking about them and how they are doing, how you miss them and wish that every moment you were with them and your heart hurts being away from them! And when I went to India that is exactly how it felt! When I saw and played with the kids over there God gave me love for them like a father loves his child. I wanted to take all of them in and show them Christ’s love for them. And I felt the same way towards all the other people I had met over there. I saw them and it was as if I was looking at my uncle’s or aunt’s, I loved them like my family.
So yes I took a wrong expectation into training camp where training camp didn’t do what I thought it would do, but God did something else that I didn’t expect by taking the passion to go on foreign missions, which is already hard to be patient with as it is and increasing the passion so much more. But praise God, instead of just letting this time of waiting be even harder He is growing me by showing me more of who I am in Him, and He has been growing me in being able to have rest in Christ in whatever season of life I am in. I know I still need to grow a lot in this area but I trust that God will finish the work that He has started.
Thank you for hearing my heart, and I would greatly appreciate your prayer for growth in Christ in this area.
God bless. 🙂
I am currently still raising support for this trip, so I would greatly appreciate your prayer and support for me for this trip. If you feel lead to give you can click the “Support me!” link on the top left of this page and donate for this trip! Or go to https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=worldrace&desc=For%20Steve%20Gonzalez to give! I leave on July 3rd so it’s coming soon! God bless y’all, and thank you again.
