Thailand has brought tension.
A sweet tension in my heart, and in my spirit.
A tension that has called me to surrender all that I have lived in before. A life of extremes. From this point forward:: I am not content with feeling closest to God in the struggles, in the times of crisis, in the darkness. Crying out to Him only in despair, clinging to Him out of desperation. Or in the opposite, feeling only known and loved by Christ in the moments of obvious blessing. Praising His name loudly when favor falls on me at the Four Seasons indulging in macaroons.
Two extremes pull on one another. Fighting for my attention, fighting for my emotions.
The darkness and the hurt of this world says, "Mourn! For all is not well and it will never be made right in your lifetime." The extreme happiness says, "Stay on this mountain top for as long as possible…pay no attention to the ugly, that will kill the moment."
Thailand boast of beauty, food that will surely make me "fat steph" if I allow, and tender reverent tradition. It tempts me to apathy, to shallow happiness. If I could just cling to and dwell in the beauty maybe I would be spared the pain of Chiang Mai. Apathy says, "don't dwell on the pain…enjoy the moment!" If I'm not cautious, I could lose this month to surface conversations, trips to a waterfall, and to quiet times on the roof.
Chiang Mai, where the streets cry out for mercy. The reality behind the land of smiles is emptiness. Where disgust comes every evening when innocence is lost. The darkness of night brings despair. Darkness who whispers, "you're not going to make a difference, you are incapable of relating to these women." Darkness attempts to drown me in misery, to steal away the moments of this month. And if I'm not careful… it can,u and it will.
It is the beauty of this tension that challenges me daily.
The acute awareness of pain and suffering & beauty and life coexisting. The Gospel of brokenness before redemption feels tangible with every breath. Birthing in me the desire to mourn and lament with God the lostness of Chiang Mai but not as someone with no hope.
Humbled to read the scripture with new understanding,
2 CORINTHIANS 1:7
And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
Between the extremes, I have found myself most poured out before my savior. Most aware of Him, most aware of His character. Longing for constant communion with Him, authenticity in my daily need for a savior.
Currently Desiring:: tension in all areas of my life.
