Oh re-entry. How i never expected you would be so hard. I’ve been home now almost 3 months (which feels like it just flew by when I think of months as in countries) and the only word to explain it is well: ROUGH.
everything is the same. but yet nothing is the same.
What I mean is physically Dallas hasn’t changed much- minus a bridge thats popped up here and there and that we now have three In-N-Out Burgers within in the metroplex… all with 4+ hour drive through lines might I add. I remember how to get places and driving came back to me like riding a bike. But to me Dallas is completely different because I have changed. I’ve really struggled with going to church for one. It just isn’t the same. I use to absolutely love going to worship. I would look foreword to it during the week. Now I find myself super overwhelmed by the crowds and the cliche mega American church vibe with auto-tuned effects blaring from surround sound speakers. Don’t get me wrong- I love me some rockin concerts, but I find myself so distracted. by the music. by the people. I just want to be in His presence and all I can do is concentrate on not judging those around me or I can’t help but think about the 3rd world churches I visited. some with no electricity or Bibles even but instead filled with more passion and dedication than I have ever experienced.
I’m not trying to bash or hate on America. In fact, I know that God gives abundantly. Scripture says everything He gives us is good and a blessing and I know there are so many here in Dallas who have much and give even more back to those who are in need. That is not my point.
My point is I am stuck.
I have come home more broken than ever. Confession time… I have never been in a season like this. Where loneliness seems to flood me. Where the busyness of life is already beginning to stress me out again. I feel numb to His presence here at home. I’m torn. stuck. in a funk. whatever you want to call it… I want to worship the Lord with all my heart and I know the only way to peace and happiness is through intimacy with Him. BUT every time I go to worship, I feel a block. call it distractions. or bitterness or just a fuzzy radio wave. i dunno. I feel like an alien back at home. I feel like I will never “fit in” again. Which then I think isn’t necessarily a bad thing… I don’t want to go back to my old life. I’m NEW in Christ. but then I realize I already have gone back in some ways… and then the guilt hits me. the confusion. why does everything seem to be about ME here? The qualities I thought I had overcome have surfaced their way back up. Why did God send me to the nations? surely not to come back home and be in the same routine as before. but to be a Light. to share the experiences. the struggles. the mountains God conquered. I know the why. I know the truth. I just don’t know the HOW.
HOW do I overcome this? HOW do I get out of this rat race I keep running over and over again? HOW to live like we did overseas here? HOW do I build the same kind of community. HOW do I find the medium between desiring living a missionary life with less VERSES a life of excess and independence when God has me in Dallas?
love.love.
a stuck missionary cat lover.
